cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Depressing entry I think the end is approaching. I actually think it'll be better. She told me that there are times she thinks a relationship isn't right for her. I think there are a lot of times she's afraid to even tell me things, or to tell me I'm doing something wrong. I know it's going to hurt me when we break up, hurt me horribly. I just know that I want someone perfect, and she wants someone perfect.. and it's hard to be perfect, isn't it? I've never had a bond like I do with her, and I agree that it's not a good thing to throw away, but what can you say when she thinks she's not ready to be in a relationship? What can you say when you both want different things? I think we had things so perfect before we started talking again, where we'd talk like once every couple of months. I'm incredibly happy with Chrissy, but I get incredibly frustrated with her not being able to be around me, or not wanting to. I know I'm saying Chrissy can't be who I want her to be, and I know that sounds horrible, but it's not her fault she can't be. I just don't think we're ready for each other. What hurts me horribly is because there is so much of a beautiful thing in between us, and if I can say this at a moment like this, you really should know it's true. Who am I to predict the future? Maybe after our conversation we just had, and the conversation we're going to have.. maybe we will make it through. I don't know. It's just impossible when she wants time alone and I want her here all the time. Maybe it's impossible. That's why things were so much better when we talked sparringly. It killed me, the missing her and longing to hold her, but it was nothing compared to how it can be now. I know I'm smothering her, or if not, I'm going to soon be, and that's not good. I just think not talking is the best thing for us. We can't be friends, for my sake. Do you really need an explination on why? Go here.. That was from the first time we broke up. There aren't too many options between us, and it hurts both her and I. I know it does. What the hell can you do though except sit around and feel sorry for it not working out? I need someone I can spend all day with, alone, who I can be in love with. I think that dates back all the way to my relationship with Katie. I need that atleast once a week. I need it to look forward to, to comfort me, for me to remember. I don't know. This is going to be all my fault when we do break up. I know it will hurt if we stay together and she says she doesn't want to be with me. I'm so confused about this, I'm sitting here about to start crying. I can't have a normal relationship with this girl because of her parents hate for me. I can't have a normal relationship with this girl because everyone was told, by someone (she denies it), that I either a) raped her, or b) stalked her... so no one seems to want us together, yet she wont even deny it publicly that she never said that. I don't know. I'm really upset about the whole thing. I'm trying to not see the bad part, push it aside, but I see I'm pushing away the relationship too. I want to be with her, I want to be with Chrissy. That's the bottom line, but I want a real girlfriend. I don't want someone I have to sneak around with and someone who wants to not be messed with one hour then someone who is totally for me the next... I don't know. I need all out love here. I don't know. I'm trying to cope with this. I mean, she couldn't even stay to finish our conversation because her dad was around. It's horrible. It's all going to end unless she can spend time with me alone, and she doesn't go into the moods where she just wants to be left alone for an hour or two. I'm not saying she's wrong for feeling that way, I'm saying this relationship is wrong at the moment. I don't want it to end, I really don't. What is there? What can happen? Everyone seems to not understand where things are right now, how it would feel for me. Chrissy is the only one who really knows how hard it is to be in this relationship right now, she can see things from my view. She's the only one who knows our past. I don't think she wants to be in as physical as a relationship with me either, which I can deal with, I'm just stating that as being a little bit of problem that's contributing to all my pain. I fucking hate this world sometimes, and I want to be able to say fuck you.. and be depressed, and attempt suicide, and maybe even succeed. But I can't.. I can't kill myself. I don't want to go out like that. I'm horribly depressed though, I want to be able to be happy, and not have to worry about a relationship, but that's all I've worried about for the past 869 days isn't it? I get so horribly down, and it's not even fucking fair. When I'm horribly down, people walk over me. It fucking sucks. Then, when I get up, and I don't take as much shit, those people bolt. Then there are people who say they care, but really don't, and they get pissed when you tell them you feel that way. I'm going to end up miserable in life, because there isn't anyone for me. Chrissy is the closest there will ever be.. so much so that we have a really amazing unique bond. It's just a fucked up situation, though. I went into this relationship thinking that her only intents were to go out with me and then hurt me. I haven't had trust in her in forever, and I've finally gained a lot back. I'll probably lose it all over again if she goes off and says bad stuff about me, like she told everyone the first time we broke up. I really loved hearing how much of a bastard I am. Or.. "that bastard had his chance". I'm still bitter about these things. I want the relationship we had back... the one where I could talk on the phone with her, I could go visit her, I could be her boyfriend, where she wouldn't want to be alone every other hour... but what can I say... other than "this bastard had his chance.". Chrissy's online now. I'll update more later.. 7:25 p.m. - 2002-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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