cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My first time expressing my true feelings about Chrissy I just wanted you to be happy. And I feel i've been stabbed in the back because I got the opposite treatment from you. I'm fucking suffering in my heart, brain, & body, all because I fell in love w/ someone who dropped me faster than the speed of light. I don't know what i'm feeling inside except extreme sadness & depression. I'm afraid to go to school because i'll see you. Inside, I just feel so empy & confused. How could you move on so fast? It hurts me to feel that the 2 months were just a waste, all I gained was a heartache, headache, and all the stress had made me sick. I just want to be left alone, but the only fear I have is that of bieng alone. I just want you to be fucking happy, but I didn't want you to fuck up my life in the meantime. if you love me so much than why do you have to put me through this? Why? I want to fucking pour out all my fucking emotion, but my head has been screwed with so fucking much I don't even know what my emotions are. Until now, I've wanted just to cry my fucking heart out, even though I have been crying, it's not meant anyuthing, until now. Since I finally figured my emotions out. I want to be understood by you. Is that so much? What about that don't you understand? Since I couldn't express myself, songs like "Daddy" by KoRn & about 15 Limp Bizkit songs have been expressing them for me. Prodominantly "Re-arranged", "Sour", & "No Sex". Why the fuck do I hurt so much? I feel that i've been so betrayed by not only my girlfriend (well my ex now), but also by a friend. It lasted one-third the length of my longest relationship, but hurts so much more, it's immeasurable. I don't know what's more important, your happiness or my fucking health. It's kind of sad that at the moment, we can't have both. How come in the past it's never hurt this much? This is the firt one i've actually believed in & actually had faith in. I can't believe all the true friends i've realized from the break-up. Ones who want revenge, ones who are bieng sympythetic, ones just there to calm me down, but they are trying to blow out the flame in my heart for once & for all, except for a select few whom knew our relationship very well, they realize I can't get over it so fast, but they wonder�How can you? The first person I ever had enough courage to ask out face to face. I feel so betrayed, I've never wanted anything but the best. Maybe later I will get over the relationship, maybe I won't. I will always have a place in my heart, though, which will be crippled as long as I don't recover. I may know some of my emotions at this time, but not enough to realize in entirety how you treated me. I want to love you & I think I do, but why do you have to fuck me up like this? It's not fair. Anyways, I'm sitting here talking to Shawn & I'm almost about to cry, talking about the beginning of the year, when we were all together. I'm talking to Laura now, the feeling doesn't make me feel better, because I just miss the beginning so much. I wish I could erase time. I would erase enough so that I wouldn't have failed, then I wouldn't have met you, then I wouldn't be crying, then I'd be happy. I don't want anything but the best for you. I guess whatever makes you happy, it doesn't matter if i'm happy�just if you're happy. I still don't like feeling betrayed. It hurts me alot. 09:47:02 - 1999-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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