cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Katie Well, It's already a sad day. Two days until Friday (Day 1 of Music Midtown). Anyways, I was just sitting alone playing a computer game to pass time, when all of a sudden I started thinking of Katie. I always used to think of her before we started talking again, but then when we suddenly started talking again last year and when we became friends and apologized, I calmed down a little after 2 years of constant thoughts of her. She was my first love, back in 7th grade. I was so stupid for hitting her, and for getting so frustrated on that hot day with the bomb threat. I mean, I could make excuses forever. It was uncalled for though. It was all too much, thinking I'd spend the rest of my life with her. Well anyways, that's all besides the point. About a year and a half ago, I was sitting outside with Danielle, we were talking. We don't usually talk so, we usually talk about the serious shit when we get the chance. Anyways, she asked if I still liked Katie. (this was before we started talking again) I said yes, of course. Danielle always seemed to see things from my side. She was the only one really who pardoned the pepsi can and the hitting incident. She is a great friend. She probably wants us to be together because if anyone had seen our (Katie and I) relationship first hand, it was Danielle. I mean, for the love of God, she had watched Katie and I make out more than I've ever watched people in movies make out. She knew the heat that was between Katie and I. She was jealous while we were together because she liked me. And I'm a fool now for not acknowleding that back then, because it wasn't in perspective of what it could mean in the future. As I said, I was planning the spend the rest of my life with Katie. Anyways, Danielle and I were talking and thats when she told me Russell and Katie were fucking. I cried. If not on the outside, definetly on the inside. I know I went home and cried so badly. I wanted to be the one to take it from Katie, at the same time she took it from me. I was still this obsessed 2 years after all this shit happened. All I could think about was Russell and Katie. I felt I had lost the war. And I still feel that way. Katie doesn't feel the same though. She has grown away from me, and I have from her. But I haven't grown AS far away. Anyways, I hadn't done any deep thinking (I always think about her atleast once a day) about her in as long as I can remember since that day we started talking again in November of 99, I believe. Well, I guess now I just did. I still feel I lost the war, and to my surprise I just cried. Maybe the feeling was amplified by the position of the stars and the current situations around me, but I cried mostly for Katie. Mostly for how I fucked things up. Mostly for how stupid I was. Mostly for the fact that I ruined it. I have to find someone else like Katie now, which I hope Rachel can light the same flame. I don't know, though. The barrier I've put up is like water on the wick of a candle. I don't trust myself and I don't trust anyone else. I want to just be able to have a decent relationship and I just want shit to work out and I just have trouble coping sometimes. I don't know what to say. I just thought this was very noteworthy. Tim 4:02 a.m. - 2001-05-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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