cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spinal Tap, Depression, Music, My Flaws, My Concerns HELLO!! YOU WANT IT LIVE, DIRECT FROM HELL - SPINAL TAP!!! Ok, sorry bout that. Today, I bought the "This is Spinal Tap" DVD and the official This is Spinal Tap Companion Book. Both of which are awesome. My dad was pretty good today, so that's cool. I talked to Leona this morning. I told her to tell everyone I said hello. I've been really depressed lately. I may not be showing it, but I have been. We went to pizza hut tonight and I just couldn't stand being there. Nothing ever works out right. If it's not perfect for me, it's just fucked up. Atleast I'm staying true to myself, though. I watched Nickelodeon all day today. It was pretty cool. I'm really depressed, though, as I said. I wish sometimes that things would just become better with me, but they never do. I try too hard, I guess. I thought about Katie and Michelle today, and alot of my exs. Chrissy too. Quite a few people. I don't get why it's so hard for me to find a girlfriend in real life, but once I do it always lasts and it's always a good relationship. It's pretty fucked up. I'm listening to Marvelous 3 right now. The song playing is my current guitar project, which I'm pretty good at playing - "Get Over". My dad has been super generous to me while i've been here and I've been taking it all for granted. Or however you spell it. I never asked for any of this, though. Except for the tickets. I'm grateful, I just don't know how to express that because I feel so uncomfortable. My mom emailed me and told me that dad wanted to spend some quality time last night and it made him feel shitty when I just left. Today dad apologized for being all uptight last night about it. I don't know, it's all confusing. I want to spend time with him, but not all the time and not in certain situations. There are boundaries and limits of which I don't know. I only know of them when they come into play. I just want things to work out though. I know that my main goal in life is just to make Rachel happy, and hopefully her and I can become someday a real couple, meaning we can actually live with/by each other. I have alot of trouble in relationships. It's not that I'm not liked, for the most part, it's just that i'm uncomfortable, though in 50% of the cases, I am unliked. It's really fucked. Sometimes I think of the Joydrop song "Cacoon", and it makes me even more depressed, but it shines a light on the subject. Then I think of "Showerhead" by Eve6, and I think about all the past relationships. People would tell me to stop torturing myself, but why? I mean, I'll get better if I torture myself, and I wont get as hurt in the future. I may not have as many friends, even though 50% want to be my friend. It's all crazy. I sit and I think now that I dropped out, does that ruin my life? How will I find a wife now, or a lover, if Rachel and I don't work out? We should work out, though. I laugh at art, but I can't laugh at real things. Speaking of laughing at art. I'm thinking about this part in "This is Spinal Tap" where he holds a guitar (A Les Paul, for that matter) and he doesn't play anything and he goes "Do you hear the sustain on that? How it keeps going?" And the interviewer goes "I don't hear anything", and Nigel goes "But if it were, it'd be going NEEEEEERRR (Imitating guitar holding note)" It's fucking hilarious. The whole movie. Spinal Tap is awesome. I'll write more some other time. Deeply Down, 11:39 p.m. - 2001-05-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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