cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my thoughts Moo. Well, it's 2/10/2000, I think I am going to work on my homepage. I didn't go to school (again). My mom is going on vacation tonight until Sunday. I am having suicidal thoughts, again, as of last night. I know that I won't act on them, I think I am just having them because I forgot to take a big dose of my medicine. It just felt so depressing not talking to Mindy from 5, and I waited until 8:20 and she still hadn't called so I went to bed. I felt so bad inside. I don't know why, it just hurt. It doesn't matter really, I mean, of course I'll talk to her again. I think her mom hates me, and that kinda makes me feel bad. She doesn't trust me, from what I know. I don't think she knows if she should trust me or not, which is understandable, after all, I'm Tim. I want her to trust me because I want Mindy to be able to come over and be with me at my house. I want her to trust me so she actually can talk normally with me. I guess I just want to be trusted. I do really like Mindy, and it won't be normal unless her mom likes me. I think that's what's bothering me. I get all pissed off when someone doesn't trust me. I mean, damn, it kind of hurts when someone doesn't trust you when they don't even have a reason not to trust you. I want to be Mindy's friend more than anything. That is what I am trying to be, she needs a good friend, as does everyone. I couldn't give less of a shit about anything but her happiness right now, and the only way I can make her happy is being her friend, not being her boyfriend. I'm not saying i'm going to end the relationship, i'm just saying I've got to be more of a friend. I need to be there for her, and I try to be. Mindy is a very beautiful girl and I am very priviledged to be with her, and I kind of wonder why someone likes me. It's not that I have a low view of myself, in fact, I think sometimes that I think too highly of myself. It's just that I just seem normal in my mind, why does she like someone normal like me? I mean, I'm an average teenager, I listen to music, watch TV, talk on the phone, go to the movies, go to school, go skating. All the normal stuff, so why does she like me? What makes me so attractive in her mind? The only thing I find different is that I am trying to make everyone happy. I think that if everyone is happy, then there is no reason for any angst. I guess I just want to live in this perfect world where nothing bad ever happens. I guess that is kind of hard to see in your mind. Mindy and I have been together for 2 weeks and 1 day, by the way. I have locked this diary to 4 people: me, Kim, Mindy, and Katie. If people ask me for the key, I will give it to them. I put a key on it so I knew who exactly gave a damn about reading it. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like when I'm dead. Would everyone who shows hate twoards me but might not actually hate me start crying because they love me and they cover it up? Would I be remembered? Sometimes I long to find out, the only thing that stops me is the fact I wouldn't find out. I wish I could fake a death some how. It doesn't matter, it's not worth dying. "Make it Last" by Stroke 9 just came on. The song reminds me of when it saved my life the night I had the cops called on me. It made me think. I remember back 2 nights ago when they started playing it and Heather Holmes looked at me, as she knew it did that to me, and she just sorta smiled, which made me feel that i'd be alright, then I tried to tell Mindy about the song, but I don't know if she heard me over the music. The song has a weird feel to it. It is mellow at the beginning, because the guitar intervals don't match. Like the second chord is flat. It works though, but the song becomes melodic in the chorus' and the interlude. Luke (the singer) reaches a really high note in the song, which hits me and makes shivers go down my spine everytime. I will write more later. I love you all, specially Mindy & Heather Holmes Tim PS Mooo "Make it last, coz your not making me any promises Make it last, make the best of what you see" 09:46:43 - 2000-02-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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