cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shawn, Chrissy, Katie, Laura, Leona, Heather, the usual. I guess Shawn was right in his first diary entry. I do need to like myself before others will. The thing is I do love myself when I'm not around Chrissy. Aww, Hell, I've told everyone that, basically in 5th period. I mean I was so fucking happy today, all fucking day, except in 2nd and 6th Period. I couldn't block her voice out of my fucking head. Yes, I do love her, No, I doubt she cares. I don't really know what to do anymore, probably get a schedule change�that's for the better. I don't really want to on the sick chance me and Chrissy might hook up again in the future, but I doubt that coz her friends hate me. I don't know what to do about Heather or anyone.. I just don't know anymore. As I told Michelle, "I am above this and I deserve better than this shit", as I do, but I also told her "I am afraid to be alone".. and then we started going into relationships and if how Chrissy didn't want me she can go some place. But the world knows that I think I do deserve another chance.. that's obvious. I think it's obvious to some others too. I mean today I was so fucking happy to realize Katie actually wanted to contact me. It made me feel like I was part of my old group. Russell, Darnell, Ron, Josh, Ty, etc.. I always did like that group because they were always so laid back, and they are very well respected. It's just sometimes it's hard to be in that group when there isn't that much support from anyone, except Ty. I never really did need their support last year, so I don't know. I don't even know if the group has changed at all since last year, I don't really know. All I know is i'm going to be happy if it's the last thing I do�with or without Chrissy. Dude, it may not seem stupid to anyone else what she's doing, but it does to me, and that's all that matters.. straight up. This is my diary�so only my thoughts count in this bitch. Aww, Hell, Turn that shit up!. Michelle wrote me 2 notes today, I felt very loved. Sherika wrote me for the first time after I wrote her. She wrote me a long note. She's a trip. She says I shouldn't drop out, and I probably won't. Believe it or not, her reasons made more sense than anyones. She was thinking more along the lines of me instead of everyone else.. and then she put in the last line.. the one I usually use alot (and you can ask Chrissy): "Of course that is what I think and you may choose to do something else". What she's saying is she's fronting her opinion yet she's telling me she doesn't run her life. Most people think that line is just understood, but in reality, it's not. You really do have to add that line. I don't know. But I don't know if Chrissy made the choice of which made her happier, but she sure seemed happier today, so I guess that. I just have this gut feeling she would have been more happier if she gave me my chance. I don't run her life though. Liz turned suicidal today in 3rd period coz I told her that I was going wif Heather. She said she was going to call me. She didn't actually say anything suicidal. I was like "What's wrong?" after I told her bout me and Heather.. and she was like "Nothing.. if I told you you'd call the police". Do you see how hard it is to tell anyone you're suicidal?? Very hard when you've already had the police called on you once already. It doesn't matter anymore coz I'm not that stupid, unless love has taken over my brain. We (as in Billy & I) were talking about how wack Chrissy's friends are if they think i'm that obsessive to actually do something stupid and become posessive. That's not like me. But hey, that's just what we think. (And what I basically know). I don't know. I'm fronting all the bad stuff to you, but in reality today was a very good day. Nicole in 6th Period said she'd marry me as a friend. I felt very loved, but she still is in love with Clay Bobinger. Billy did know me and Chrissy's relationship very well, no matter what anyone says.. because in my opinion, he was told everything by me, and every note was fronted to him, and every phone conversation was played back to the best of my memory... and he'd always ask "What do you think?" and then "well, what does she think". So believe me, the relationship was evaluated very much, that's why I THINK, I deserve another chance, from that evaluation. But hey, I don't run the world, and I said before.. probably ain't nothing ever going to happen between us. Of course yo, I've been thinking bout her, just not as much.. that's why I'm not stressed into waiting for her. And no, I'm not going to give in if she asks me out right off the bat, I want a fucking explination. But i'm not saying she will.. i'm just saying if she does. (The chances are probably slim, but hey, I don't run her life.) I wrote a poem today in 2nd period, and I forgot about it in 5th. I don't think I want to type it up because it is very personal. It reminded me of KoRn's "Blind". If you know the lyrics you can tell what it was like.. If you really want to know look it up on the internet. I don't know what else to say right now, except bye. Love Tim PS I actually talked to Leona today!!! I felt loved!!! And I did tell a bunch of people their Social Security Numbers, so that is really cool, I got some supporters now. I had Hale's first 3 numbers then he got afarid of his safety. Laura wasn't in school today. I really miss her *cries*. Come back soon baby!!! Oh yeah, I wrote an earlier entry in 5th Period, today. 16:14:53 - 1999-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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