cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all sorts of stuff Well, Chrissy said no... so that concludes any type of friendship or anything. (Even though the terms of are agreement are if I ever get over her i'll be her friend�but I doubt it'll happen) This all came last night. I was really happy last night though, for some reason. I don't know why, I was talking to Heather listening to STP, the Specials, and Madness. I don't know, but all of the sudden (around 10:45) I started feeling dizzy and my head hurt like someone threw a rock at it. Around 11, blood starting dripping out of my ear.. 11:15, it started streaming out. I don't know. It stopped sometime at night. I woke up this morning in a ball and sweating my ass off (in a 70� room). That's why I didn't go to school. I've been seriously thinking about dropping out of school, but I doubt I will. I've wanted to, but I don't�too much pussy at school (props to Chris from the University of Georgia (in Athens) for that one). Everyone knows I don't do that stuff though, well I would, I just don't want to do it unless there is meaning behind it. I woulda had Chrissy on her back any chance I could get. (Big Surprised there). I don't know, I'm upset about Chrissy, coz even though she didn't know it.. she led me on, fucked with my head, and lied all at the same time. I don't know bout that. But Michelle (Pierson) was the first person I told, around 7:30/8ish I think, and I was like "Dude.. I'm getting over her and finding someone new... but I'm going to be single for a while.." and Michelle was like "good, I think you should". I've said that before and Chrissy has came back, this time I'm pretty sure she won't be coming back.. so time to move along. Me & Chalupa. She's sleeping on my wrist right now... poor little dog. Her brothers/sisters are probably being sold to taco bell where they molest the dogs and force them to say fucked up phrases. I have councelling Thursday, congratulations to me!!! I'll probably have my mom step out of the room and i'll build the guy up on the situation, then later next week they'll give me medicine.. It's 9:40 AM right now, so you know. I turned the heater on to fucking 80 and i'm still cold. Dude, I wonder if they are going to put me on stress medicine.. that would be phat.. I don't mean like anti-depressants... I mean like drugs that will make me not give a crap about anything stressful.. That would kick. I was talkin on the phone to Liz for about 45 minutes last night. Liz is a very smart and nice girl, not too many see it though. She told her mom that I wanted to meet her and her mom was cool with that, so i'm going to head over there Saturday. I like her mom because she knows I have these problems, and she likes me anyways. I guess she likes me because she knows that i'm not going to hold anything back and let it explode. I used to, but I don't, except when I don't know how the words should go. Liz likes me, I like her and I don't�but she put me on a time-limit now *laughs*.. next monday. Kinda cool actually, I think. She was stalking me and Chrissy in the halls yesterday after 3rd. She says that she wanted to beat Chrissy's ass for the things that Chrissy was saying & how she changed her mind (as I told her in 3rd period), but she didn't. I don't know if Chrissy deserves it, but I doubt it, coz she doesn't know what she was doing, she's a very confused little person. On the inside�she's doing what's right. On the outside�she doesn't know. But one thing is for certain�in a little while, I doubt i'll care. That doesn't mean i'll be over her, it just means I won't care. OK�I just stopped to contemplate what I said. Kinda hurts thinking bout her. But you know, I guess the Offspring would say "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?". Bad part is, i'm running out of suffering. So I think I care alot, since of all this stuff I do, but I'm not suffering. It's kind of sad really, that one person has been running my life for the past 3 weeks... almost a month. Not anymore though.. like Mrs. Mixon said... "the hell with it". She recommends my schedule change, why should I change my schedule because of a little person who is going to feel power when I do? "Fuck you, i'm not as good as you? Fuck no, i'm better than you" <-- KoRn. My dog keeps looking at me. I think she knows something is screwed up. She cries only when i'm upset. This upset is different from the other upsets I've felt lately. This upset is a sigh of relief and the release of the pain. My head doesn't hurt at all right now, it's kind of cool. My dog is chewing my finger. I guess i'll have to use my other thumb to hit space. It's kind of hard. I found a new way to relieve stress.. Some telemarketer just called and was like "Is Suzanne Mason there?" and I was like "no, I killed the bitch." and then they were like "does she have a husband I could speak to?" and I was like "no, he's for dinner tonight". They knew I was kidding though. It's kind of funny, actually. Stephanie got mad at me yesterday because I told her the truth about Laura (Zoe) and she thought I was lying.. It's kind of sad, I wasn't lying. But I think Stephanie knows that now, so I guess everything is cool. I saw Leona in the halls yesterday, that is very rare. I never do. Michelle P. has been trying to break up with Nick, but he never calls. She would rather be with Tym, but Tym will never come around. I don't know. She likes Tym, she used to like Nick. Tym does not equal Tim.. so don't start thinking. I showed Michelle 311 yesterday (she doesn't like modern music that much), but she listened to "All Mixed Up" and she loved her, and she said "I thought you said they were friends with KoRn, they are nothing like KoRn", but then I played a different song.. and she saw the KoRn side of them. 311 is a bunch of types of music, it's kind of sad that not everyone likes them. There is no reason not to. "If you don't have someone to do it with, it's not worth doing"�311. One thing is for certain� I have a bunch of feelings burning inside of me waiting to get out. I'm doing it by this. So i'm sorry if this effects some people. God, Heather likes me but she's afraid of hurting me by moving. I wish I could say "live in the present" but then I would be thinking about the future & all this shit with Chrissy. Oddly, Heather from Buffalo stopped contacting me after her and Kim made up. Kind of wierd, but oh well, life goes on... Now that I think about it.. Stroke 9 is a magical number.. as Dr. Knowles says "any multiple of 3..." and 3x3=9. *laughs*. It's a heavenly number. I'm listening to Kid Rock right now.. "Bawitdaba" just ended.. so we're at "Cowboy". Ack.. I can't find the chalupa.. why do they come so small? She was hiding under my bed... *sigh*... why my bed? I would close my door, but then I couldn't hear Kid Rock out here. "Cuss like a sailor, drink like a mick, my only words of wisdom are to suck my dick" �Kid Rock "Cowboy" (live version). There the little chalupa is on my wrist again. I wonder if my channel (#psychotic) on chatnet has been approved or rejected yet. I'll have to check. I don't know how I want to say this shit about Chrissy. I know I didn't do anything wrong, beleive it or not. It's just that after relationships like that I go off and try to find ones just as good�that's my flaw. The bad part about my group is that the girls have parents who are over-protective.. and I (like most) like to makeout... alot. It doesn't matter, really. "used to call me bunny when my nose was fuckin hunnies now im fucking bunnies making fucking matchbox 20 money" or something... "Devil Without A Cause"- Kid Rock. I guess you can say I want to be pissed at Chrissy, but I'm not. I don't know why, I feel like she is the best thing, but at the same time, that made me more vunerable, and I was fucking torn apart. I don't care anymore though. I've been typing this entry for about an hour now. God, I'm only typing so much coz I'm waiting for it to get out.. I guess what I'm trying to say is I love Chrissy, but I hate her at the same time.. It's not like.. "I'm going to fucking kill you hate".. It's like "I can't believe this shit hate". I don't hold hostility enough to go off and hurt an ex... not anymore. That's just stupid. I guess what i'm trying to say is my head is torn, and there is nothing that can come out of it either way, no matter what I would like. And no, I am not thinking only of myself, because lately she is all i've thought of. Believe me. That's why I'm not holding hostility, becasue this is her choice. Last night she told me she didn't love, just she used to and now she just really really really really cares. I think it's all bullshit... I can tell you that love will last forever, In my opinion, but I'm not going to sit here and play games. It's not worth it. I guess that's all I can say right now.. I'm sorry if anyone who reads this one doesn't agree with me on some of the shit i've said.. but it is my diary and my way of getting relief.. all I can say is.. I tried.. and that I know i'll be stronger because of this... since it hasn't killed me (almost, but hasn't, and won't) 09:34:39 - 1999-11-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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