cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chrissy (again, *sigh*) I just got home. Last night, Chrissy wrote "I love Tim and nothing should stop us from bieng together no matter what anyone says." or something in her diary. The entry is here, about half way down. Today she broke up with Kevin to go out with me. All her friends started talking shit, and she had second thoughts. But I wasn't changing�you've got til the end of the day to make an answer. Well the end of the school day is up and I didn't get a decision. That's the end of any type of relationship I could have ever had with her. She never loved me.. love goes through anything. Kim was even starting to talk good about her, last night. I don't know. She wanted me to wait until tomorrow until she gave me an answer... but that's not possible. I was thinking maybe she could call me before 6 if she really wants to. I guess that's OK. 4 O'clock was kind of sudden. I don't think it'll work though. I was crying on the bus today, and only Patricia noticed. It just seemed Michelle (Willis), Heather Hunter, Megan and Ashley were just laughing about anything. I felt so alone. God, it hurts. Chrissy says her friends think I'm possessive and the relationship will turn fucked up b/c of that. Hell, she knows she can get out at anytime. I wanted to say that to her, but I couldn't get my words straight.. All I could say was "you've got until the end of the day, and it doesn't fucking matter what your friends say if you love me".. so Chrissy.. if you read this.. you've got until 6:30. NO guidance. Guidance is obsolete if you love me, because nothing should stay in the way. People don't understand me. God, Shawn is moving back, I won't be upset in relationships now. I'm not waiting forever anymore b/c it effects my life. Been failin school, cussing out mom, all this shit, just because my #1 priority has been Chrissy. God I love her and I don't know if what I do is right, I just know I can't wait too long because of the stress that is dragging me down thinking about it. She tells me not to think about it, but it's impossible when your heart is thinking for you. The thing is she let her head think today. Her head was thinking the wrong stuff either way, coz the relationship would have worked. I don't care. I give up, (well at 6:30). I had the thoughts on the bus again today, but I banished them to show Chrissy I could do it. I'm not going to be that way. I'm not going to do something stupid. I told her that I wouldn't if we ever broke up again. I told her all I would do is ignore her, and she knows that if she doesn't answer or if she says no I'll ignore her anyways, because I deserve better if she does love me. God, It's like i'm upset because she thought she had everything 100% planned out yesterday, and she told me if I went to school I wouldn't be disappointed, but I am. I'm mad at the people who are trying to dictate Chrissy's decision and I'm sad because it worked and I feel upset because it shows me she doesn't love me. I'm confused because I need to know how to rebuild myself if things don't change within the next 2 and a half hours. That's all I can say. I don't know.. I'm still trying to figure out what i'm doing. I might stay home tomorrow.. stress... doctor says I have to avoid stressful situations.. Mrs. Mixon told me to get a schedule change today, I was like "man, i can't fucking do that".. exactly what I said. She says that Chrissy is having the time of her life in High school and that this is just something she'll get over, but i'm letting it dictate my life, and I am. I hate to admit it. I don't want to do something stupid, that's why I set a time limit on it today. 6:30 is the latest, and that's a pretty dangerous time already. I think I'll call her in a couple of minutes and tell her that she has until 6:30. I'll tell her to read this too. I'm confused. 16:06:23 - 1999-11-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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