cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MoOOoooo. My day has been pretty good so far, not all good though. I walked into 1st Period, expecting a test. So as I walk into 1st Period, I take the test. I think I did really good. After that, I walked Ashley to 2nd Period (3 Weeks, 5 Days). Second period was fun, Josh (my friend) and I were annoying the hell out of each other, just to have some fun. It was cool. Then, after 2nd, I walked Ashley to 3rd, and then I walked to 3rd. We were watching a video that we started watching yesterday. I sat down and started talking to Liz. She said she was going to try and come over today, but I seriously doubt that. After 3rd, I saw Ashley at her 4th Period class, then I walked to 4th where I saw another video. Then I went to lunch and was asking Kristina to marry me. She didn't answer. I don't know. I then spent time with Ashley and was talking to everyone at my table and I got alot of bad vibes from Heather Holmes. I don't know, she just seemed rude to me. But I guess it is all because of some things I do. I guess it's just that I don't like hearing her talk about Chrissy saying "That bastard had his chance", because I think of it in the way that she had her chance and she blew it. I'm not going to fight over who is right and who is wrong though. It doesn't matter though, because I don't know if Chrissy even cares anymore. I care, everyone knows that, I guess that's what leaves me vunerable. As we were leaving the cafeteria, I couldn't find Ashley, and I went in 4th Period (the 2nd half), and I was writing Michelle telling her how I need her help (as the Chrissy comment really messed with me, as I don't want anyone talking about me, especially an ex.) I hope Michelle calls me. As people change as do I, but the future always looks brigther then the past. I can tell you that much. Maybe that's why there is so much tension right now, but it's ok, because i've been alot happier now. It makes me feel really good to know that I can function without Chrissy, the real question is is that can I function with her? In a sense, you know, she's still around. After 4th I headed straight to 5th. I am here now. I guess you can say my day was up and then it was down and now it's leveling itself off. Sometimes I just expect too much out of things. It doesn't matter though. It just hurts me sometimes. Then there is the stuff with Katie. It doesn't even feel as if she wants to be friends anymore, and that hurts alot because she is sort of an emotional platform for me right now. I don't know if she is tired of me or if things aren't how they were expected to be or if she just used me to get help with the problems we were going through, or it could be something completely different. I don't know. I guess it is hard to imagine how things will turn out the next day anymore, as my life is one rollercoaster. There are days that just swing from down to high and back, like today. Those are days when I want to just move or drop out or something. It's not necessarily a bad day, it's just a stressful day. Yesterday, I asked Michelle & Kristina if they'd be mad if dropped out. You know there answers, as they are my friends. I don't know. I Just want to evaulate how things are going in my life before I make any decisions. I know before I drop out i'll probably move in with my dad. I know with Chris there, he can keep me in check. There are times when I just want to cry, but the tears don't work anymore, like today. Then there are the times when it gets drastic and I just want to die, those are rare. To every bad situation there is also a good situation. I have a test next period in World History. I don't have any more detention. Later tonight, Billy and I are going to drive to Taco Bell, where he is going to apply for a job, and I am going to sit and eat tacos. I think tonight I am just going to sit and think to myself. It's like some nights I want to go to sleep so early at 7, just so I can get some sleep, but I also want to stay up and talk to my friends, as I fear school the next day. I can't sleep either way, as I have insomnia, it just feels weird. I don't know. I guess all I can say is that things aren't the way they used to be and I don't really care. As I look back through my entries and see the good times and the bad, I wonder "what's next?". I know I have made alot more right choices then wrong, as my most important and trustworthy friends have told me I am right. I know this for a fact, I just don't know though. I just hope everyone gets what they deserve, including me. I hope everyone thinks about this, and writes me with their opinions. I hope everyone just sits and thinks. This world has been hurting me lately with alot of aspects except for Ashley, and I know I can't handle it all, so I am going to put Jesus in control for a while. I just have to be able to trust him, that's all. I am wrong for some of the stuff I have done in the past, but the one true thing is is that I know that I don't deserve some of the stuff I'm being put through, and I don't really care if people put me through it, as long as it makes them happy. 13:37:03 - 2000-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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