cuke15's Diaryland Diary
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Entry #1200, Kelsea, Black & White, numb
Hello.
What's up homies? Not too much here. Waitin' for Jer to get home so maybe I can go out to eat. Wee.
I'm listening to the Dolls of Goo Goo. Why the hell do I always do that? I always reverse the name and put in an of. I don't know. Oh well. Anyways, I've got about four hours to decide about this whole party thing. You know what's cool about it? Jaime was like "I understand completely, I could imagine the social anxiety of being in a room full of strangers." I mean, that's exactly it! She understands that I don't go good around strangers, but her understanding has almost made me feel more comfortable with the whole situation.
Oh oh, not that it's anything that hasn't happened a hundred times before, but Kelsea mentioned my diary in her diary again. She wrote about going to a diaryland template and how she got the idea from my 200th (well, 198th actually [1002 entries ago].. had to delete a couple doubles) entry about how I'm going to change my diary to black and white with no images because everyone else does that and I want to be the anti-flash pro-content diary. In fact... go read it here. Images and templates and stuff are other people's way of expressing themselves and clarifying more of what they're about. That's totally cool in my book. I just don't know what kind of image could desribe me, and I definetely don't have the artistic ability to make one, so I'm better with just my black & white. I had it green for a reason too. It was a period of my life where the color Green made me more aware, calmed me down more. I know that sounds almost pagan, but it's not. Colors work psychology. Now I'm back to black & white, the same template I had back then because I'm getting back into that part of my life where I understand and acknowledge everything around me (trhe black), but I don't even know what I feel. (the white) I know when I'm angry and bitter, but I never know when I'm happy or sad. And honestly, I'd rather feel this way than anyway else, because you can get in a groove in this mood and your life is so calm and still and you can work on what you want to work on and become who you want to and you can take bits and pieces of everything you see around you and let it affect you if you want. I think the recent time listening to early-mid 90s pop-rock (gin blossoms, old-school goo goo dolls), I think that basically brought it on. That feeling those bands gives you is so amazing. You feel their sadness, but I can't relate to it. I guess that doesn't make any sense to anyone except people who think like me. There are a few of you.
I wish I had some kind of voice recognition software. It would make my entries so much longer if I could just speak them instead of type them. You know what, there's a song that I think describes me right now. "Eyes Wide Open" by the Goo Goo Dolls.. It's like my Eyes are Wide Open, it's like I can see what they're going through, and I know what they're going through, but I could never feel what they feel. I won't be as sad or as happy as them.
HAHA.
That's the best banner ad ever! Haha. Shouldn't have taken a shot at squirrelx though. Her diary rocks. And Swappingtons (With the sailor), is just Andrew's (Creator of diaryland) sideproject... so oh well. It's still a very clever and funny banner! Atleast I can still feel humor.
Oh well. I'm going to go.
4:51 p.m. - 2003-04-12
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