cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie's terror Hello. Last night was intense. We went to bed after watching Mr. Holland's Opus and Elmopalooza and fell asleep and I was awaken to Julie screaming bloody murder. I mean, scary screaming. Over and over. For about 20-30 seconds. It sounded like she was getting murdered or her leg was ripped off or something. I mean, it was totally scary. I couldn't even move. She was screaming really loud and I was yelling her name. I mean, she warned me she had night terrors. She warned me sometimes she has these dreams where she just starts screaming. But last night, supposedly by her mom's judgement, was the worst ever. It scared me so much. I just sat in bed and was so scared and paranoid. It felt almost like a demon was being released. I don't know. Maybe it was, Julie is changing because she told me about her dream and her dream is going to give her the strength to make a positive step forward. But, I think her screaming and traumatic experience was more than just a way for God to show her to fear him. It was a way for him to show me that too. I thought I had such a grip on what this world had to offer. I've seen traumatic pictures of the ugly part of life. I've heard scary songs and seen scary movies. But only hearing the scream of someone you love... a scream sounding of being murdered. Only a scream like that shows me that I'm not in control, I'll never be in control. I sat in bed. Afraid to get up. Afraid to look through the bathroom into Julie's room. I felt a demon, like I said. So I close my eyes and asked God to protect me and watch out for me. And as I prayed, My whole upper part of my body tingled really badly. I mean, it didn't hurt, but it scared me. It's like when you're scared and your hair stands on end. It was like that. It was almost like God was telling me "I'm protecting you now, but you've got to see things for what they are Tim Mason." I mean, I've always acknowledged and believed that I'm not in contorl. But I never really let it hit my heart. I always wanted to be able to fall back on myself. That's not the right way to live. After Julie came in and apologized and talked to me for a couple minutes, she went back to bed. I went over and picked up my Bible. Getting up from that bed was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I felt so paralized. I mean, this was about an hour later after Julie had screamed her 20 seconds, my heart was still beating hard and fast. I got up. I was afraid that there was a demon all around me, all over me, I was afraid that it was in the room. Everytime I closed my eyes when I got insecure and said a prayer, the feeling of that tingly fear.... It got less and less, but was still there. I know it was like God was saying "good, you've learned your lesson... you'll be a better person now." God works in MYSTERIOUS ways. He says, more ore less, he'll keep you growing if you honsetly believe, He'll keep working to make you a better and better person in your heart. But you never think the murderous scream of a person you love will be one thing that will push you. For someone as desensitized as me, and for someone as stubborn as Julie, that is what needed to happen for us. I read some random Psalms about fear. I was so in fear. Psalms 3:3-5. "But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me." Now God doesn't want us to feel those feelings ever. He doesn't want to torture us like that. That was the work of the devil that that had happened, but God allowed it to happen so Julie and I could both grow in his name and become spiritually better. I thought a lot about it and read a lot last night. I randomly found verses on fear and terrot. Anyways, I didn't get back to bed for atleast 2 hours and I had fell asleep with the light on. Julie woke me up this morning and we got ready for church. Her dad preached in church about praising the Lord. He definetely does deserve praise. He's amazing. I mean, I told him I was sorry for how I was acting and I've decided to make some changes in my life. So in church, it kind of finalized what I had needed to know. It gave me the will to get right with God. So I have some plans to make myself a better person. I'll take life one day at a time, bettering myself. I'm so happy I've made it this far. It's a wonderful thing to be alive. I just need to get right with God before anything else. So yeah. This entry is starting to go in circles, but since I got the general idea of what happened and what I feel down, then I'll cut it for now. Tim. 4:12 p.m. - 2003-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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