cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- found out about you, tube screamer, baby talk Howdy. Guess what. I'm learning how to play "Found Out About You." It's a hard as hell song to play. The intro is easy once you get it down, and so is the chorus. The verses are the hard part. I hate appregiated chords with a passion. Makes me wish I knew how to finger pick better. Oh well. I'll live. I _will_ play that song eventually. I will. My mission now is to get a better Ibanez TS9 Tube Screamer. Those things have awesome tone/drive. So this is my 984th entry. Woohoo. I guess that means that lucky number 1000 is just around the corner. Anyways, I wish I had something to wirte. I feel so empty. Last night I asked Julie to pray for me, because I really do feel like I need something right now. Some help, some love. You know? Why do I feel empty, I don't know. I don't seem to be as dedicated to my faith as I was before. I have more faith than I ever have in my life. I'll believe in Jesus for the rest of my life. But that's not enough for me, for some reason. It should be but it's not. I want to feel full, and I want to make something of myself. And damnit, I want to tell these things to Julie but she's not around. I guess sometimes it's hard to realize the good things in life. It's hard to realize all those things when you turn on the TV and you hear about a murder or a rape or a war or disease. You know? There is good stuff, though. There honestly is. I know there is. I just am not as fascinated with all that is good. I find bad things beautiful. I find beauty in death. Not deaths of humans, though. I despise war. I find gray pictures and gray music amazing, beautiful even. You know what I mean? I just need to find someway to not let it really depress me. I have to find something to make me happy. I have to find something. I need, maybe, something new to look at. Something that goes in cycles. So I can be intrigued and in awe of it's broken down, depressed state, but happy and amused when it gets in it's good state. You know, there was a time when I was so bipolar that I wish I'd just stay on the down side, and now that that's happening, I wish I was bipolar again. The thing about being down is that you have the opportunity to make something beautiful out of it that everyone can relate to. As long as you aren't just all out complaining about how hard it is. I mean, there's beauty in dying stuff. I don't like how some people think that beauty is only in what's hurt. It's not. I mean, there's a very beautiful aspect in that.. but there's more than that. It's like a flower is always beautiful.. when it's dead or when it's completely alive. You just have to look to find the beauty sometimes. That's my opinion, at least. I just don't think people's view should be limited. Maybe I write about how people should think in my diary because it helps me better clarify my own thoughts when someone asks for my advice. Maybe it just feels good to give advice when no one is really looking for it. I love giving advice and my thoughts about this. I really need to find some sort of profession that would make that combination possible. You know? Some kind of author, or some kind of psychologist. Or maybe just a big brother figure, you know? Or better yet.. maybe a dad. I've been struck by the idea of having a baby as of late. I won't be surprised if I'm a daddy by the time I'm 21. I wouldn't bet on it, but I wouldn't be surprised. I want a little girl more than anything. I want a little girl. I find girls amazingly complex. From the time they're little to the time they're grown up. I want to be a part of that. I want to create some little girls journey. I want to give that little girl my knowledge, and my opinions. And you know what? I want to be the type of daddy who goes like "This is what I know..." and "This is my opinion..." I don't want to tell my little girl that my opinion is the way it should be. I want to tell her what my knowledge is, and what my opinions are, so she can form her own valid choice. I want her to have an equal say in everything. I want her to be a better person than I could ever be. I want this so bad. I mean, I wouldn't be upset if I had a boy, I'm just saying if I had the preferance I'd rather have a little girl. Imagine the teenage years. That would be hell, but when it's over, you can look back on it and smile. That's what being a daddy is all about. And you know what? I want to meet all her boyfriends. I don't want to tell her who she can and can't go out with. I want to meet them atleast twice before I tell her MY OPINION of them. And like I said, I want my girl to have her own intelligent decisions. My plan is to give her the intelligence, and give her a view of my opinions, that way she can better make intelligent choices herself without feeling held down or pressured about it. You know? I want her to know I don't like a guy, but I don't want her to end her relationship with the guy because of my opinion. I want her to be intelligent enough to make her own choices. I want Julie to help out in this too. I mean, I want her and I to play equal roles in this. I want to complement her parenting, and I want her to complement mine. And, yes, I do want the little one, boy or girl, to lay in between her and I when the little one is small. I want there to be an almost unforced spiritual and emotional and physical bond between the three of us. See, what I mean by physical bond is, I want my child to feel safe giving me a hug. I want this to be implied. I want this kid to have complete liberty, but with intelligence to not do something completely fucked up. Now, of course, if we miss something, and there's a danger there.. I would step in and tell her I can't let her do what she wants to do. But, if you think about that, there isn't too many of those situations, so that should be almost easy to prevent from ever happening if you plant the right intelligence in her. But, for the most part, I want this to be an unforced relationship. I mean, of course we'll have to punish her sometimes, but there are ways about going about that without getting upset and not making it a bad situation. I don't want to hit my kids at all. I want time out and a talk. See, I just want my kid not to be afraid to be her own person. But, still, I want to see her intelligence and morals have a reflection of mine and Julie's. I want her to grow past what Julie and I ever could be, though. That's enough. I'm afraid of saying something wrong. Tim 9:39 p.m. - 2003-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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