cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suzi, Song Lyrics, Megan, Chrissy, Shawn, Constance, power struggle, Pearl Jam What's up homies? Not too much here. So I talked to Shawn last night about random subjects. It felt nice. Megan also called me from Arizona. Thanks Megan. I know I was quiet, but I appreciate you just listening and being there. AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLEEP%!#%)(#!% I really should stop listening to music when I write my entries, it causes random interjections of song lyrics, like that one from Our Lady Peace. So guess what! (insert chorus of "WHAT!"). I unlocked my diary. Why did I have it locked in the first place? Who knows. Let me show you how things went last night. 8PM: Talked to Chrissy(internet) I'm still trying to see how I should respond to Shawn's e-mail. Anyways, guess what homies! I got an actual reply from my newsgroup post. Hehe. This girl, Suzi, is really neato. She's 20 and is bipolar and is very artistic. She's going through a lot of the same stuff I am. (I seem to say that a lot.) Anyays, yeah, she's really cool and the only individual to have responded. Some guy responded offering Teen Coaching for $250 a month. Like I would pay for someones friendship. Anyways, I have two things for you guys to check out. Firstly, squirrelx's diary. This girl has an awesome diary. Very unique and on the positive side. Plus her banner has a cow in it. Automatic coolness. Secondly, check out Fade. on MP3.com. They're a beautiful band. Get "Imprints". I love that song. I wish I lived in Kentucky just so I could see them. Anyways, I got sort of bitter yesterday from people thinking things are the most amazing things they've heard.. living on hype. I don't know. I keep listening to the new Pearl Jam CD, it's not as good as it was the first couple of listens. It's like the glitter faded away. "Get Right" and "Thumbing My Way" are the only decent songs. "I Am Mine" is good, but the guitar solo is short lived. Like, so short lived that it ruins the song. I don't see why a lot of people ride Pearl Jam because of what Eddie writes. Maybe he should release a book of poetry and abandon his band. Because the music does matter. That was my little bitching. I've just seen quite a lot of "100% this is the best PJ album ever" when it's just hype. I'm sure their next CD could be static and the same people would say the same things. Anyways, I'm getting better at "Shimmer", but the chord changes are hard as hell. |x3505x| to |x7507x| to |x7908x|. Really hard chords to hold, but they're the right ones. I just need to practice them over and over I suppose. It's the rhythm that screws me up a lot too. He switches on offbeats. I'm sure this is all so fascinating to everyone. Oh well. My entries are taking longer and longer to write, like when I used to write in 5th period in late 1999 and early 2000. I kinda like having the long thought out entries, though. Sometimes I just have a lot to say. FIELDS OF BUTTERFLIES!#%(#!(%) Damnit, there goes the random song interjections again. "Shimmer" by Fuel. Blah, I'm trying to remember to give credit to the bands after I use their lyrics so no one thinks I've written stuff like that. Wow, I forgot to write about Chrissy and me and our conversation. Well.. basically I told her Imma miss her. Then we went on talking about me being brilliant. I asked her why her and others thought so. (21:19:45) cuke15: everythign i have is on the surface.. i think ive lost a lot of whats inside of me (21:20:18) hippolamoose: no...you just can't see it Hrm :/. I don't want to be brilliant, but maybe I am. I just don't want to sound cocky about it. I mean, I do realize my diary is a very beautiful thing, but not my music. I love my diary. I love helping other people too. I think Chrissy realizes that, but honestly I don't know why I help other people. It makes me feel better, but sometimes it takes so much out of me to begin with. Oh well, maybe I just like listening to other people because my selfishness reassures me that if I listen to them they'll be here for me. Who knows. "and i'm sorry i let you run away I knew I was going to be giving Chrissy a bit of control by talking to her again, but I shouldn't look at this as a control battle anymore. It shouldn't be like that at all. I just get pissed off losing shit. This is one of those situations where it's hard to say what you want to say. Everyone knows what I want, but no one knows why I want it. Not even I do. So, I figured, I can make things work as friends. I've been so set against that idea that it became the whole power struggle to begin with, but I'll be her friend and things will happen from there if they're supposed to. It's gotten to the point that I don't even care anymore, I can deal both ways. Sort of like a desensitation. The only thing I really miss is holding her. I guess it's unfair to her, though. Honestly it is. Because I can go and forget about her whenever I find someone else, but whenever I lose what I have she's still right there. It's not that I stop caring for her when there's other people, it's just it's not in the forefront of my mind. I suppose. I don't know. But from this moment on, it's not a power struggle. Those are my words. Didn't mean for that to be so big and long, but it doens't matter if she knows I think about her or not anymore, since it's not a struggle anymore. We also talked about my anti-sex views lately. I talked to Constance late last night as well. She had seen a meteor. Yay. She wasn't even paying attention. Hehe. I should have went outside, I wanted to see meteors. I love meteor showers. Blah, we played our little ask each other questions game and she asked questions about some of my exs. One in particular got me thinking. Concerning Chrissy and I and marriage. I guess Chrissy was right when she said that whenever we're together the thought of the possibility of it might happening is always in the back of our minds. I told her "We've never really talked about it, per say, but as she said it's in the background of our minds.. or atleast it used to be." I don't know. Sometimes I think it makes Constance feel really uncomfortable when I answer her questions about my exs, but I love talking about all my exs. I don't know why. I told Shawn I wasn't ashamed of having so many of them either, because I'm having fun doing so, and only 2 or 3 have even mattered and those are my REAL exs. Everything else is sort of like a middle school mentality where we'll go out just for the hell of it. I think only with 2 or 3 people has it ever meant anything. I don't know what makes it mean something and what makes it just something to do. Oh well, though. I think I've written too much. Tim 2:18 p.m. - 2002-11-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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