cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Entry #800. Defriender - Tombstone, brilliant?, stepping back tombstone perhaps this finds you in a bad hole maybe you'll think of me and come on running home maybe I kept you down to keep myself whole covered you in coveting, corruption of the soul my my oh my you look like somebody walked right over your grave maybe you wandered too far stretching out possibility searching under the clear blue sky finding only ambiguity and you kept on sleeping with the dirt and the snails i will be your huckleberry i will be your huckleberry maybe I let you down to keep myself whole covered you in coveting, thus corrupting both our souls I love that song, you can download it from www.defriender.com and stuff. Anyways, I just wrote entry 799, so I guess it's time to write good old number 800. Sigh. Anyways, I don't think I know what is going to happen with my life. I just need support from who I do still talk to. Something I've been wondering lately, is why these people I've gotten close to, who have read my diary, (including Chrissy, Julie, and Constance) think that I'm brilliant, or I'm going to do something brilliant/amazing. I just don't see it. I really don't. I don't even see things changing from how they are now. I'm sure this diary will just remain here, and no one will publish it. I think this would have been my only chance to have done something brilliant. I'm not saying I think they're trying to fool me, I just don't see it. Someone point it out. "and she swears theres nothing wrong.. i hear her playing that same old song, she puts me off and puts me on... oh and had a bad day again" - fuel.. sorry, just felt like typing that. I mean, I know my diary has a shit load of passion and meaning, but that doesn't make it brilliant or amazing. I think maybe Kelsea likes reading my diary more than anyone else. She even writes about my diary she likes it so much. (See here.) I guess maybe I should look at the good side of this situation with Julie. At least I know where things stand. Unfortunatly, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to try and fix it anymore. She's pissed me off and hurt me. What I did, I didn't think would hurt her. I even e-mailed her and told her about it asking for her advice. What she's doing she's doing consciencly. That's how I know it's time to step back, not let myself drown in it. I almost was forced down last night. If Dyanne and Constance hadn't came online I don't know how things will have turned out. I think maybe I should step back and stop reading her diaries, and cut off my own accessibility to it. I've had to do that with Chrissy before.. and I still do. I'll peak at Chrissy's every once in a while when we're on good terms, but not often. With Julie, I just need to push her out of my mind. Take back what she stole from me. I know it was my actions which started this downfall, but her actions finished it off. --not finished yet.. browser problem-- Ok, wow, that was the first time I had a problem with Mozilla 1.2b. Oh well, anwyays.. as I was saying. She finished the job off by coming back and making everything seem like it was gonna be OK, then in the middle of that conversation just leaving for no apparant reason, and then ignoring me. So, as bitter as that made me, I think it's time to take a step back and ignore her diaries and all that. At least I still have the good part of my life which she helped me achieve. I just don't know how I'm supposed to respond when she comes back. Who knows. It would be a lot easier if she never came back, though. Unfortunatly, I know she will. I'll probably fall in the same trap again, though. I was playing "Clumsy" by Our Lady Peace, "Shimmer" and "Bad Day" by Fuel, and "How Could I" by Oleander on guitar for Constance last night. The only song I had horrible trouble on was "Shimmer". Blah.. Anyways, I think I'm gonna go. Happy 800th, diary. Tim 12:29 p.m. - 2002-11-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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