cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whining about Chrissy Hi. I've been doing some thinking after reading Shawn's latest entry. I've come to the realization that I completely hate who Chrissy is now compared to who she used to be. She's still one of the greatest people.. but she's just a shade of her former self. I don't know why I like her like I do. It's probably the love I've had for her for about 3 years now. I just don't understand where things have went. See, I guess I care about her. I get jealous when she goes out with other people. That's weird, but when it comes to Shawn.. I still get jealous, but it's barely noticable. I really think she should go out with him. Who knows. The thing is I feel neglected when I can't talk to her atleast once a day. She doesn't even want to talk that often, which isn't even that often. It kinda pisses me off in the whole situation. You'd think someone as smart as her wouldn't throw away what we seem to have between us (a general sense of caring for the other), and someone as faithful as I've been to her.. I mean.. how many people have written a diary for the past 3 years, trying to shake the problems that have occured because of this person. It's not that she creates only problems.. it's just that things are magnified with her because I honestly love her. So I need an outlet. Eventually I just said fuck it and started writing my honest true feelings, but now I wish I hadn't. It gives everyone an advantage over me when they read it. Especially her. I mean, I look back on all the times I've wanted to be dead because of her and I and it hurts. Usually it's because I don't think I can go on like that without her. But recently it's been more like a "if she doesn't choose to recognize me for who I am, I'll make her recognize who I am when she cries at my fucking funeral." That's morbid, I know. I still think that way, though. I would never say anything like that outside my diary but sometimes that's how I really fucking feel. That's the only time I ever want to put her through any type of pain; when I die. I want her to cry. I know I'm going to fucking be a wreck if she dies before I do. But sometimes I think that's the only way she'll ever recognize just how hard I've been trying over these past 3 years. I can almost always have a girlfriend if I want, so why would I ever be stuck on the same person after this long? So I can't help but get frustrated and angry when she doesn't feel remotely the same as I do. I mean, I know she loves me, yeah... but that's not going to change anything if she doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. I mean, this is really bitterness from knowing it's now or never. I mean, I'm not going to say anything. That way she can only say something if she wants to. I've came to the point where I know she actually starts thinking about what I'm going through and how I feel when I tell her how I get so down because of what goes on between us, and how I just want to end it all. I just give up on telling her anymore. Like in Athens after she said we shoudln't be friends anymore I just grabbed a bottle of some wine or some shit and took a bunch of pills. I passed out but that was about it. I felt good for a while, up until recently when we started to talk again. I'm not saying we shouldn't talk. I'm just saying things are pretty crappy right now and I think they can get better somehow. I just wish she'd realize that I'm something very valuable and it feels horrible when I'm thrown away. I mean, seriously. She seems to be very avoidant of almost anything that has to do with me and that fucking hurts. I guess I'm just confused because it's impossible to tell someone exactly how you feel with just the word "love", so it hurts when they avoid you when you know it shouldn't be like that. Tim 11:26 a.m. - 2002-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||