cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a night of "love you"s, Julie, Jan I hope everyone had a good time at the Warped Tour, for those of you who went. Well today has been sorta annoying all day. My dad has been really controlling all day and the reason I let him is because he knows how to make me pissed off and can't let things not be his way. A lesson I've had to learn over the years.. I don't know. I'm not going to bitch.. but anyways, Jan finally did come on but at a bad time. I had just told Julie that she could call, since it's only a local call for her. So I got offline and we ended up talking for awhile. We talked about all kinds of things... dogs, sex, books, parents... I'm waiting for her to update her diary because I told her to put down some of the stuff she had told me about my family, particularly my father.. it was so true. About how my dad seems to want to control what I read, what I watch, what I listen to, what I think, what time I sleep.. because he sees all the big things in my life and he knows he can't contorl them, so he does the next best thing and tries to control all little things, the silly shit which no one should control. I shouldn't have to be told to give him a capsule review about every book I read. I should be able to do what I want after I read a book. If I don't ever want to hear the title of the book again, I shouldn't have to. It just pisses me off. This all stems to the fact that he reads these very words I'm writing. I know he does. I can prove it. I'm not going to say anything more.. because I just don't want to hear him fucking bitch again. It's sad, because he's controlling me even in my diary now. I'm just so afraid of the way he makes me feel. But yeah, Julie and I had a great talk.. just as friends. We have the same problems, but see some things completely different and some things completely the same, but never in between..well nothing in between about important shit, I should say.. I'm not say this is a bad thing.. I actually would want it no other way. The meer fact that she can keep me interested is the thing that can bring me higher. It just felt really good to be able to talk to her.. because I honestly think she's the only one who can relate to my type of pain right now. Shawn has pain, Jan has pain, Chrissy has pain, Katie has pain.. but right now, she's the only one who can feel my pain because she's going thru the same pain as I am in her situation. I know that sounds fucked up. We're just great friends. I don't mean to ramble on. I should say something about Jan... hehe. I missed her all day, and I still like her a lot even though I just rambled on about Julie. Jan is my girlfriend, though, and for this time she is the one who should be my girlfriend. She's what I need right now and I think I'm helping give her what she needs. Tonight was the first night we said (well, typed) "love you" to each other, in e-mails. I don't know what that signifies.. but I hate it when you leave off "I" because it just doesn't feel complete when you do. I know that's odd, but oh well. I'm glad we did say it, though, because I think it's something I miss when I talk to her. Don't say you can't miss anything you haven't had yet.. we haven't even seen each other since we started going out and we miss each other. I don't know.. I want to be able to say I love you to her, and I eventually will as a friend for sure, and maybe even as a girlfriend afterwards... I think I do love her as a friend. I usually don't make a big deal out of those 3 little words.. so I don't know why I am now.. So yeah.. Julie.. update your diary with that shit we talked about tonight if you want so I can quote you, because that stuff really meant a lot to me. Cooincidentally, tonight was also the first time Julie and I swapped "I love you's" in a while. As friends, of course.. I just thought I'd mention that. I just want to clear this up, though, so no one thinks anything: Jan = girlfriend. Julie = friend. Jan is who I want to be with right now.. if she wasn't then I wouldn't be with her. I could easily see how this whole entry could be taken for something it's not just because of the long winded statement about Julie. I don't think Jan is the jealous type. I actually think she'll understand this entry. She knows I've put my trust in her and I bet she's done the same for me. Gonna go. Tim PS: I Feel guilty about this entry, which I shouldn't.. I should clarify that even though I said "I love you" to Julie, it's not that I shouldn't have. We do love each other very much so AS FRIENDS. I can't stress that enough. I'm feeling guilty because I do not want this to hurt anyone. I have no intentions of hurting Jan, so yeah.. when I said I think she trusts me, I mean I think she won't be jealous when she reads I told another female I love them, as it was only as a friend. SO yeah.. this statement made me feel less guilty because I think everyone will understand a bit better. So this is my little disclaimer. 1:05 a.m. - 2002-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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