cuke15's Diaryland
Diary
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fuck this world
I think the ending to the story has been revealed. I can no longer live a life with anything other than constant pain. No need to keep the diary locked... there is no coming up anymore. to be told that you were being told there was a possiblity of a future just so you'd still be their friend.. that hurts.. yes, you read it. Chrissy said the only reason she said we possibly have a future together is because she only wanted me to stick around and be her friend. I just can't do this anymore. I can't live my life. I could barely pick myself up from my bed and get to the keyboard. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't felt this bad since November 2nd, 1999. This is more dangerous though.. I feel that bad plus I feel worthless, hopeless, and naked and alone. This isn't what this feeling is supposed to stand for.. sure things need a little bit of work.. but there isn't any amount of being different that couldn't be readjusted to end up the same as it was in the past...i really don't know what to do anymore.. but hey, i deserve this. i think my final punishment will be death from depression. Not suicide.. but deteriation of the mind.. like the dogs in "Where the Red Furn Grows". Kate once told me I was the strongest person she knew. I wonder what she's going to think when she sees the strongest person she knows crumble. I can't even cry.. that's how hurt I am.. cuke15 (06:21:14 PM): i think it is cruel of you to have lead me on like that, just so i'd be your friend. i do not make a good freind anyways, and i don't think you should have lied about the possibility of a future just so I woudl be your friend. it is a fact, and I know it, that you still haven't tried.. you let what everyone else think get in yoru way of how youf eel about me and that hurts alot too.. you didnt even tell me your problems with the relationshp to me like you said.. before we started goign out, we were feeling just as strong as we did in 99.. and in the relationship.. you just complained and complained and it hurt me.. a lot cuke15 (06:21:29 PM): i guess im just a bad perosn and i really dont deserve anything i have cuke15 (06:22:20 PM): and i know you have your problems to deal with.. and i think that your biggest problem is that you jus treally hurt me and i dont evne know if i can live anymore.. but i guess i have to.. but i think it was really a cruel thing for you to do.. you tell me you love me when you dont.. it just doens't make sense cuke15 (06:23:20 PM): i know i love you though, and i know there is a possiblity things can work out, but it doesn't really matter.. i guess i'm the only one who wants thing sto be as good as they used to be.. i've spent the past 2 years trying to change to fix your complaints in 99.. but i guess i failed agian.. like i do at everything else and i dont know cuke15 (06:23:40 PM): im going to be istting at the table.. and i wont go out with anyone else.. no matter how much you think i will or how much you think i should.. i just cant do that cuke15 (06:24:03 PM): jsut be happy.. some how.. since obvoiusly ive never done it for you cuke15 (06:25:17 PM): and i hope things with your dad get better.. and i hope you go to college and everythigns ok.. and i hope everything in your life works out fine.. i hope you find someone who does make you happy and i want you to just stop thinking about me.. and dont tlel me you cant because you can do anything... please, just be happy.. you have so much pain and it's not fair for someone like you to be put thru it all.. and i cant help but feel horrible for contributing to it cuke15 (06:25:36 PM): so i guess i hope things get better for you without me cuke15 (06:25:51 PM): yeah.. i guess that's it.. it's not much.. but i guess it's all i can say
I couldn't even say goodbye when she said it.. I could just stare at the screen and hope she'd come running back.. but I'm hopeless.. lifeless.. still at the table.. not cared about. Tim
6:37 p.m. - 2002-07-27
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