cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Conversation with Rina, Katie, Chrissy, Deserving of This Punishment. I'm locking my diary from everyone because I feel the entries are not something anybody should see. I think it would be manipulative and pety of me for me to let anyone see me falling this far downwards. It's like telling someone to watch another guy jump off a 10 story building. It's just something no human should be forced to watch. I will unlock this diary when I know that people can see I'm not so down anymore.
redhatqueen (04:06:11 PM): well i dunno redhatqueen (04:06:15 PM): chrissy seems weird to me cuke15 (04:04:16 PM): why do you say that redhatqueen (04:06:39 PM): its like she says stuff redhatqueen (04:06:46 PM): but i dunno if she means what she says redhatqueen (04:06:59 PM): cuz she doesnt always follow through or whatever cuke15 (04:04:57 PM): do you think she's lying to me? redhatqueen (04:07:12 PM): i really dont know redhatqueen (04:07:21 PM): but its like she playin games or some crap cuke15 (04:05:27 PM): so waht do you think i should do redhatqueen (04:08:11 PM): hard for me to say since im not in that situation redhatqueen (04:08:17 PM): but dont try to hard with her redhatqueen (04:08:24 PM): its like ur givin all the effort cuke15 (04:06:38 PM): it doesnt matter how hard i try cuke15 (04:06:40 PM): if i dont try at all cuke15 (04:06:42 PM): or if i try my hardest cuke15 (04:06:48 PM): if she's just playing games itll hurt just as hard redhatqueen (04:09:35 PM): yeah i know redhatqueen (04:09:38 PM): so i dont get it cuke15 (04:08:15 PM): it's not that kissing is the only thing i want with her cuke15 (04:08:22 PM): its just that it sorta hurt after last night redhatqueen (04:10:38 PM): what'd she have to say about it cuke15 (04:08:40 PM): haven't heard from her yet since redhatqueen (04:10:57 PM): ugh redhatqueen (04:11:05 PM): i dunno what to do about her cuke15 (04:10:17 PM): i should just kill myself redhatqueen (04:12:30 PM): no way dude redhatqueen (04:12:40 PM): she's not the only thing in life redhatqueen (04:13:18 PM): brb redhatqueen (04:15:04 PM): back redhatqueen (04:15:25 PM): ok redhatqueen (04:15:28 PM): well im gonna go cuke15 (04:13:21 PM): :/ cuke15 (04:13:24 PM): please dont redhatqueen (04:15:33 PM): ok cuke15 (04:13:27 PM): i really need somone right now redhatqueen (04:15:38 PM): alrighty redhatqueen (04:15:58 PM): so whatcha thinkin cuke15 (04:14:42 PM): i dont know It hurts me.. you never hear Chrissy talk about how I'm so perfect for her anymore, or how much I've done for her in life. It's like she doesn't even want me around anymore. I guess that's what I get the idea that someone's just playing games and I guess that's where Rina sees it too. Rina understands the situation.. and how I feel.. the only thing she doesn't understand is how much Chrissy actually does mean to me. I just can't help but think that she's afraid of me or something, and I go back to blaming myself with everything that happened between Katie and I. I guess this is what I deserve.. I deserve to not be trusted for the horrible thing I did. Even though I'm not trusted though, I know that that was something that could never reoccur and I think, sadly, only Katie is the one who believes that 100% as much as I do. What a weird twist of fate. I think Shawn probably knows that about 90-95% too. He realized how sorry I was after I did it... he would hear me talk about her nonstop every weekend after we (Katie and I) had stopped talking. The whole point is.. even though I deserve the mistrust, I can be trusted. So why am I writing this like it's unfair to me? I don't know... I don't think I can handle the pain I go through anymore. The pain from the one thing I did horribly wrong in the past (Katie).. and the fact that it seems to be fucking up the thing I have with Chrissy. Everyone has to remind her about it.. but why? I mean.. I was the first person to tell her. If I didn't think I had changed, why would I tell her? If I didn't want to be honest and do the right thing, why would I have told her? I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stepped on... and all I can say is "I deserve it". What a cruel life. But, I deserve it, I brought this on myself. Chrissy never used to be scared of me, in any way or form, until I DID tell her about this.. and even though she says she knows I've changed.. she still doesn't seem to trust me.. but I deserve it.. Those are the hardest words I've ever had to say in my life "I deserve it".. not even as hard as it was to ask Chrissy out in person the first time I did.
redhatqueen: so if u care about me stop hurtin urself cuke15: that's not a fair thing to say redhatqueen: why cuke15: you'd want me to hurt myself if you knew the misery I go throughredhatqueen: so u wouldnt mind if i killed myself too then cuke15: no redhatqueen: i just want you to get through this tough time so that u can see the good things in life cuke15: because you havent put anyoen else thru misery cuke15: because along side my misery cuke15: is the misery i've put thru so many others I hate my past, but I love who I'm trying to be.. Unfortunatly, my past is part of who I am. I don't know.. life is a cruel fucked up joke. It's like i'm being murdered by how everyone else feels, yet my actions brought it on myself. I have so much guilt for this.. I've never been more guilty in my entire life. To think of the anger I bring people.. Jessyca, Katie's mom.. those are the two I can think of.. the two who you'd expect.. but to think of the anger I brought them.. it hurts a lot. That would have been a strong enough punishment for me to have changed.. but I'm getting what I deserve.. I deserve for my one love in life to not trust me.. to be afraid of something.. which is my past.. because when I revealed that, that's when everything changed. But recently, Chrissy has seen thru the dark cloud over me, and has seen the bright star trying to shine through. I don't know.. There's just something horribly wrong where I can't be seen as a good person anymore. I want so badly to tell Chrissy to not talk to Jessyca.. because it will make her more afraid of going out with me. That's not fair to Jessyca OR Chrissy, though. Jessyca doesn't deserve that.. Jessyca did nothing wrong. I deserve the fucked up situation bestowed upon me.. even if my intentions are all good now.. I deserve the situation.. because I fucked up. This is the most honest diary entry I've ever written.. I want to kill myself so badly because of how badly I've fucked up life.. but I can't.. I just can't. I want to take knifes and slit my wrists.. I want to take mountains of pills.. I want to jump in front of cars, I want to jump in rivers and get caught in nets.. I want to die.. but my heart tells me to stay.. and the one thing I've learned from all my punishment is that let your heart lead the way first, because your heart will never have any hate... your mind cab have hate. Who did I hate just back in 97 when I did the shit to Katie? Her? no.. Of course not. I just didn't like the situation and who I was becoming. So I bottled all this anger inside and I ended up emptying it on her once everything was pushed over the top. One of the things I had to learn to do was to let out my emotions in either small amounts over more time.. or letting them out in a more constructive way.. introducing my diary. I knew shit was going to end horribly with Chrissy back in 99 if I hadn't found a diary to write in. I knew I wasn't going to hurt her.. I just knew that I was going to do something drastic and unhealthy.. like hurt myself. Just writing "I may fade out of existance" in the entry after we broke up.. just writing that made things seem atleast better enough to cope with... It's sad when I can remember that entry. I'm not the type anymore to physically abuse someone.. I never was the type.. It's fucked up to say that was how I coped with Katie.. really fucked up.. but I guess it's true. That's why I deserve this. How hard is it to find a healthy way to cope with pain? Not hard at all. So it was my fault that what happened happened.. I'm a person who tries to learn lessons, though.. and that's why I write in this diary so much. Even though I'm really deserving of the life I have gave myself.. I just don't see how things could have turned out any worse... I mean, I've found this love in my life that I never want to lose, and things started to change when I knew it was time to reveal my past. It ruined the thing Chrissy and I did have back then.. it didn't ruin it.. it just made things harder to see.. but it was a necessary step. If I didn't tell her then, it would have been just like lying to her. I wasn't about to lie to her. So we broke up, couldn't be friends.. I've had this diary since right before we broke up in 99.. and so long in 2000 I was trying to write in this diary.. to not let her know I still feel for her what I do.. not to let her know I love her so much.. trying to convince her I don't love her.. but more-so.. Trying to convince myself that I don't love her... That's the only emotion I haven't properly vented over the past 3 years.. until recently. So when I did finally vent it some how.. some way.. my light shined just enough so it would cut thru the cloud of my past.. and I guess that's what Chrissy had seen..because remember everything fell apart when I did show Chrissy the cloud which was my past.. so I finally turned on the light just enough so Chrissy could see one ray of light.. and it was enough to bring back all the joy and emotion of everything we had. Unfortunatly that doesn't help her trust for me. I know that a lot of her mistrust also has to do with how her ex Ty stalked her. I know it has a lot to do with her father too. But for the most part, it was me and my past. I mean, I don't even deserve for Chrissy to be talking to me, but she is. I don't deserve to even be alive, if you ask me. It adds more and more hurt when Chrissy won't come any closer because she's afraid of it messing up. I don't know. People don't understand how I think or feel..she's come the closest though. She understands why I do things the way I do.. and she usually understands why I feel the way I do.. To me, it's a higher power's present to me.. it's like saying "here.. here is the most wonderful thing you will ever have.. you will be in tune with her.. you will feel for her all the time.. you will think about her sometimes and it will make you smile... but for your punishment of sins for not doing the simplest task of finding a healthy way to cope.. she wont trust you completely at first.. she will be around and in the same group of friends as the person you abused.. for you need to be reminded of how badly you fucked up.. and you wont be able to say anything but "I deserve this".." The rest of the story has yet to fill out. Will it get better? Hopefully. I don't know. Having such strong, beautiful emotions.. the strongest in the world.. but with an insecurity that is keeping those emotions from being fully expressed between the two of us.. That's really painful.. and for committing the most stupid act in the world.. that's exactly the punishment I deserve. My heart is telling me to stay.. and my brain is telling me to kill myself.. My heart is telling me to stay because that's the part that gives you feelings.. that's the part that knows killing myself would be getting out of the punishment I deserve, and I want to be fair. I want to go through with my punishment. Maybe once I've gone thru a certain amount of pain.. probably the same amount of pain I put Katie through.. once I go through that amount.. maybe that's when my punishment will be lifted.. maybe thats when Chrissy will see thru the cloud.. Maybe she will have the sudden urge to jump right into things with me.. and stay with me until she can see right thru the cloud known as my past and realize it's just that.. my past. I love her so much Tim 4:12 p.m. - 2002-07-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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