cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on last night last night i IM'ed Chrissy on yahoo and told her to read my previous entry.. then I left.. I didn't want to argue or fight or even talk at that moment.. the one answer of hers really hurt me... on one the surveys she did on diaryland.. let me find it.. 4. What defines a good friend vs. a bad friend? (all) a good friend doesn't turn their back as soon as the friendship turns into an inconvenience for them. Yes, it makes me a bad friend because I get so upset to the point of suicide when I do try to be her friend. That really pissed me off and I found it to be a real big blow. She doesn't listen to me at all and doesn't try to believe anything I say. That's the direct opposite of everything I've ever said. Then it's as if she won't tell me when she has a change of heart.. so she just makes me sit and think, wondering when she's coming back. I bet i'd be crushed if I read some of her recent diary entries. I don't know. She probably doens't even talk about me. She never used to, why would she now? Yes.. such an "inconvinence" when I'm just trying to create the least amount of friction.. and jesus, let me do one thing for myself here.. let me not shove myself into a situation where I want to kill myself. I'm just letting out some emotion here. I find this to be very two-faced of her. I thought we were on the same team, I guess not. So anyways, after I told her to read my diary... cuke15 (11:52:41 PM): read my diary.. it's in response to your survey answers. I went into my Mom's room because she's not home.. and I laid in bed and talked to Jan(uary).. and I had Tsar playing.. and I had just broke down and starting crying.. telling myself over and over "she doesn't want me anymore".. all the while trying to hide the fact I was crying from Jan(uary).. but to no avail. Even though she figured out I was crying, I would never tell her why. It felt good to cry for once. I don't know what to do about the situation. I'm trying to think of a way for me to ask her if she still has intentions of coming to me when she is ready, or she's completely abolished the idea of going out with me again. I don't want to confront her... I guess I don't know. Maybe her survey answers.. maybe I looked at them incorrectly. I grabbed three bottles of pills and opened them and just started playing with their pills... I would probably be dead if I didn't fall asleep first. I guess this isn't something I should be writing in my diary. People could use it against me. I guess I'm just scared Chrissy is purposely trying to disconcert my feelings for her.. and she would rather hurt me so I stop liking her instead of telling me she doesn't like me. Tim 6:11 a.m. - 2002-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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