cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Desensitized, Jan(uary) I think I'm desensitized.. I know I'm hurting right now but it doesn't hurt. I know that doesn't make sense.. but if someone ever gets hurt spending time thinking about the same things every day.. you'll know what I mean. In other news, I still haven't been able to tell what I want to Jan(uary).. she keeps mentioning plaid skirts and it ruins me. She's a good tease. She wants to go see a movie with me.. but her and I are the only two people who don't see the movie theater as a place to see movies but a place to get closer to people.. as in, tongue on tongue wise.. so that scares me. I wish I could be like her and still like Chrissy (like she does Chewy) but not be completely dedicated to her when things fall apart.. but I can't. I've got to have faith in the future.. until Chrissy tells me she hates me...which I don't think she'd ever do. I need a new plan of action because I get the feeling she's expecting something out of me.. Jan(uary)..wow "Write it on your Hand" just came on my live M3 video.. sad, reminds me of Chrissy.. I once made her go to marvieworld's lyric site with this song on it when we were abvout to break up. "Write it on your hand, so you won't forget, forget just what you had, go and write it on your hand." I have very bitter feelings on the soutside, but they resolve and I just see what I have deep down. I guess the reason I get so upset, even though I didn't even know if she was talking about me in that survey question.. the reason I get so upset is because I don't like things getting to the outter shell and close to how I really feel. I know that's the only bit of beauty I have is in my heart.. which is for Chrissy & music. My life without Chrissy is like my life without a CD player or concerts. It's sad but true. When Chrissy's gone.. music is my solace. This entry will be good to look back on. I've never looked at things that way before. I woke up this morning and had seen I had forgot to disconnect.. so I had my message window to Chrissy still open, a message from Milli.. I didn't read it though.. I guess I should go thru my archives and look, a message from Rina (I'm pissed I missed her again), a lot of messages from Julie, and a message from Austin. I felt really loved when I had woken up. The sleep also helped with the horrible feelings of last night to.. so I guess that's my explination as to why I'm desensitized. But in the end.. I still am totally dedicated until the end.. I know my heart and I know what I love and I know who I feel. Tim 6:34 a.m. - 2002-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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