cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sappiness.., 500th entry Hello again. Jan(uary) is baby sitting all day so I haven't got to talk to her yet. Read the previous 2 or 3 entries to get caught up with the situation on why the diary is temporarily locked. I'm listening to 40 ft. Ringo. They make me happy. I remember listening to "Anyway" before Chrissy & I started going out.. and the message that it had meant to me then still says the same thing to me. "yeah, how I love you when you're making it.. yeah, how I hate you when you call me names, yeah, how I sweat your self integrity.. even though you piss me off, I'll take you anyway."... it's a song about being in love, and being able to accept people for the good and bad. It was a lesson I had to learn over the past 3 years and I've done a good job. The trick is to not ignore the bad.. but just stay mad enough until everything is worked out.. and don't hold a grudge. So yeah, I don't know why I wanted to explain that.. but cool. I've been thinking about Chrissy. Reading her old diary entries, since I don't allow myself to read anything within the past month... and I see a lot of beauty in the feelings she had for me.. because I feel the same things. I don't know what to say about the situation, though. I think, and I'm not just saying this to be an asshole or whatever, but I think if she can make a relationship work with anyone.. that it would be me. I'm saying that because of her past entries. My favorite entry is where she was saying she wished I was holding her at graduation.. because secretly, when the fireworks were going off.. while I was standing up in the bleachers.. she was what I had been thinking of. God, It just doens't make sense. My main concern is that she's getting exactly what she wants.. and I keep saying that because I want to believe it.. I want that to be me.. I want to be the one who is only concerned with what she wants.. as long as it's the option she wants.. and it's safe for me.. This was the best option.. because it put things on the best terms without me feeling unsafe. We'll go out again in the future, hopefully.. soon, hopefully. I don't need to read her diary to know she feels me or thinks about me. I know that's something we'll share for probably the rest of our lives.. somehow. Last night was the first night I hadn't just spooned thin air, thinking about Chrissy.. wishing I was spooning her.. hands around her waist.. just holding her... the only reason I Didn't think about it last night was because I was on the verge of passing out from exhaustion. So, yeah, why am I writing this? That's the 1/8th of the usual time I think about her.. lying in bed.. that's when I miss her most.. that's the time in your life, when you grow older and closer.. to hold each other... I could spend a whole day just holding her on my bed.. facing each other.. being a small lean away from a kiss... a sweet kiss.. and hands running up backs.. being in love.. feeling in love.. the feeling is the point.. you know there's a connection, the most beautiful thing in the world.. a purple rain... boy am I being sappy... better stop... Tim PS: Oh yeah.. This is my 500th Entry.. no use celebrating it.. I'm hitting 100s too often.. 3:05 p.m. - 2002-07-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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