cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im so down Listening to "Here We Are" by the Flying Tigers. The song fucking owns me. Do you ever get the feeling you're waiting for something and it's never going to come? I mean, I don't read Chrissy's diary anymore because it hurts to. I don't know if she talks about me or not. I don't know what she feels. I don't know if things are any closer than how they used to be. It hurts too. I can just hope and probably slip deeper into depression. That's not what matters, though. What matters is things are exactly how she wants them. That's the most important thing. My entries are just seeming to repeat themselves lately... I don't know what that means. I guess there is only one part of my life I want improvement in. I don't know. There isn't much I can say. I just know I hurt inside, but I'm satisfied if she's getting what she wants.. if she's satisfied. Maybe satisfied isn't the word.. maybe I'm content.. satisfied would be going out and being in love and having shit work out.. content with the situation.. yeah, that works. Just being able to deal with the situation. Wow, just had suicidal thoughts again. I hate when that happens. I don't want to go out the pussy way. I don't want to stick around here either. I just don't know. I'm only sticking around on the notion that things will be better some day, some how, maybe. With or without Chrissy. Hopefully with, because I honestly don't see how I can feel better without her. I know that's a played out line, and I've used it before, but before it was a different situation. I know by body now. I know my mind, I know my soul. I know how relationships work. I've observed things. I know from what I feel and what I see that there most definetely isn't a way for me to be happy without her. I'm not looking for happiness, though.. just satisfaction. I can't be satisfied without her either, so.. *shrug*. I think I cursed myself. I think when I said I wanted to start thinking more about her, I went too far in trying and now she's 3/4ths or more of what I think of. I'm trying to think.. what can I say, what can I do.. what is there that could make her realize what there is here for her. I just don't know and I get hopeless. That's why I think it would be so much easier if she could just come out of the blue and tell me she wants nothing to do with me and she hates me. She refuses to say that, though. So what can I do? I'm a bit broken right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess the same thing I always do.. feel bad and sit around and try and get by. Shit will work, I think it will. I just don't know when or how. I have a feeling it will involve Chrissy and that is one of the things I can smile about. I just don't want my own thoughts to lead me on and that's why I wanted to know if anything changed or is going to change or whatever.. So yeah... I go thru these ten shades of anger and sadness and I tell the anger to shut up because I have no reason to be angry becuase most people don't even feel what her and I felt before.. and I tell the sadness that maybe one day things will be back to good. The sadness is the one thing that hurts me... maybes hurt me. So yeah, There ya go. I think that explains things in more detail. I'm sure there will be more entries in the next week or so that are pushing further into how I feel as I realize new ways of describing it. Why do I even do this in my diary? Why do I feel the need to? Why do I need to know how I feel? Is it worth anything to me or anyone else, knowing how to describe how I feel? Tim 5:46 p.m. - 2002-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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