cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A good person.. Chrissy, Katie, Shawn, love, Sublime, Butch Walker Hello. I'm so fucking depressed. I don't know what it is. I'm really happy with Chrissy, though. We went our first day without arguing since like, week one. I don't know, though, it seems like sometimes she's two different people. She doesn't even seem to be affectionate online, but in real life she's a fucking angel. I'm not complaining, I'm happy we've gotten up to as good as we have. There was no work on the relationship today, which is really great. I guess all the problems were really my fault. Anyways, the big news of the day is that I talked to Katie. She IM'ed me in response to the note I left in her guestbook. It was fun talking to her, a bit weird, though. She's changed so much, and so have I. She made the equation today horse = no depression. I want to get her a horse so bad now. I'm a broke ass bastard, though. I don't know why I care about her anymore, but I do. I always will. It's not the same kind of love as Chrissy, but it is some kind of love. I know Chrissy is the one for me right now, there's an amazing bond between us. With Katie, I'm just stuck on caring about her. I want her to be happy. I love Shawn, Katie, and Chrissy. I'm always going to care about all 3. I just wish I knew what each of them was thinking, especially Chrissy. I want to make Chrissy happy. I just hope I'm doing so. I want her and I to work out, but sometimes I think that's not what she wants. Sometimes I think that too, but then when there is the good times between us, when we're together, I know for fucking sure we were meant for each other. But as I said, I'm fucking happy about everything. I'm just generally depressed. I talked to Kate for the first time in a long time today, too. Woo.. "Santeria".. I've been listening to Sublime this whole entry. It amazes me how sad this album makes me. I was sad beforehand, but this album makes me incredibly down. Something about flashing back to 1997, then thinking about Bradley Nowell, then having the subtle minor key in all the songs. It just pulls on me. I don't know. I don't think happiness was meant for me. I know I can be happy in a relationship. It's just that my happiness depends on how happy I'm making someone else. It's fucked up. That's why I argue so much. I have a picture of perfect in my mind, and anything less than planned isn't for me. Wow, I shed a tear. Partial Astigmatism, partial sadness. I love when that happens. It feels great to get the little relief of one tear drop out. I don't cry in big bouts too often, though. I'm sure things will get better, though. I just don't want to be an asshole anymore, to anyone. I'm going to be full service and not give a fuck what I think and only what other people think. Except for when it comes to stuff that makes me me. I won't argue with people is what I mean. I don't know how to communicate what I'm thinking, though. Sometimes I want Chrissy to just ask me shit, I want her to be interested in me. There were a couple of times today on the internet where I felt our bond. So the internet isn't completely hopeless. I also checked out Butch's new video for "Rock Vocal Power/My Way". Funny shit. That was pretty much my day. I've been sitting around talking about problems, helping some of my internet buddies with problems. I want to find some way to help people. It makes me feel good to talk to people and help them. I just don't like violating anyone's personal space or helping anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I just want to be a good person... I need to learn how to be that again. Tim 4:44 a.m. - 2002-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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