cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chrissy, and my hopes for her. IM BACK! I was figuring I'd come back (again) to writing in this diary. This diary just has so much history not to. You might ask what triggered me to come back to this diary? The same thing that triggered me to start it on October 18th, 1999: Chrissy. Yep, Chrissy. We talk sometimes. We hadn't talked for about a month and a half until last night. We were talking about her, and her problems. We talked about our relationship back in the day, and it felt really good. The conversation last night reassured me that we understand each other better than anyone else. I think she was just learning it for the first time, but I think she agrees now. I want her to be happy. She wants to be happy with Jeremy, but she wants him to be the old him. I hate when that shit happens. I still don't know the way to deal with it. I just told her what I did know. I was so worried when I heard she was crying last week. I know how depressed she is on the inside, but usually her inside doesn't show because she's got one of the most beautiful and delighted personalities. That would be why I think Chrissy is so easy to talk to. She can see both sides of life. She's got the inner suffering to inspire her to be artistic, and the charisma to make it worthwhile. We talked for two hours. It was beautiful. The only way i'd go out with her is if it was what made her the most happy out of all her available options. Last night was the first time I looked at her as a friend more than as an ex. That doesn't mean I don't like her, so don't mistake me. I can't wait til my band gets it's shit together and Chrissy gets a bit older. We're going to take the world, or atleast the country, by storm. After Chrissy got offline last night, I went offline and got a notepad, and layed on my bed, listening to Tantric. I couldn't think of what to write though. I wanted to write something artistic and beautiful. All I got, though, was: "Chrissy, Hello Sexy. How are you? We had a very enjoyable conversation tonight. You were a down about Jeremy, though. I'm listening to Tantric's "I Dont Care". It reminds me of your situation. I just stopped writing for a second & listened. Tantric is such a beautiful band." I was thinking about writing lyrics from Tantric, but I just couldn't find the best set. They're all so great. Anyways, after I stopped writing, I lied in bed and did the same routine I did when her and I were going out. I haven't done that SINCE we were going out. I was trying to help find a solution to get her and Jeremy back to new again. I haven't had much luck yet. I don't know the situation that much. I hope she figures something out. I thought about why I like her, why we're so lucky to have each other the way we do right now. I thought about why we understand each other the way we do. I fell asleep listening and singing to Tantric, thinking I was singing to Chrissy. Some of their songs are about refinding something you've lost. "We always live in the past now, we should be living the future. I don't really care about it, nothing stays the same. I don't really care about it, nothing seems to change. Who knows which one of us will lead? Hard to concieve we'd ever fall again, yeah. And in the end i'll know that we, you and me, will finally breathe again." Tantric - "I Don't Care" I hope she finds what's the most happy for her, and I hope in the long run, we'll breathe together again. That doesn't mean going out, specifically, it could mean just best friends. I just hope that things work and she's got her personality showing, instead of her vulnerable soul. You can only show your soul to so many people, unless it's in art. That's how I look at it. Tim PS: I got hired at Walmart. 2:44 p.m. - 2001-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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