cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an entry about life. I've had a rough day I suppose. Michelle was supposed to show up and didn't, so it kinda hurts. I just wanted to see her and talk with her. And then Julie called and was giving me this shit how she thinks I want to be with Michelle and should be. It just really kind of hurts. I mean. I'm already upset enough. She's just a good friend to me. Michelle is. I would think Julie would be the one person who would try and understand that but it's like she refuses to believe that she, Julie, is the only one I really want. I just hate that for some reason. I don't feel like I have to explain myself when I'm wearing her ring and her rosary and thinking about her. I mean, I got so upset today. I just wanted to do some Bible reading with her tonight, but she just wanted to go to bed. I wasn't going to ask her to do so, though, she just seemed to want to go. I don't know. I'm just in a not too good mood. I went up to Huddle House with Billy and talked to Desirae a bit. Not much to update on that one. But yeah, I'm just not in a good mood. I need to find peace in myself right now. It's got to be somewhere. I haven't felt right, mentally and spiritually, all day. I think I need to get my priorities straight and stop being so stupid and just talk to God. My life is like "As Long As It Matters" by the Gin Blossoms right now. I'm so annoyed with Billy too. I mean, he's watching wrestling and laughing his ass off and he's got it jacked up so loud. I don't persay want to go to sleep, but just rather lay in my bed and listen to the nothingness around me. It's a very good atmosphere to let your mind wander. I kind of wonder about Billy. He always seems to have some kind of noise going on in his life. I love my music, and he loves his, and I love my TV and he loves his. I just don't understand how he can't have some quiet time. Some time just to sit and think about life. To contemplate. It's almost like he's afraid to grow as a person, to meditate on things. Maybe I'm even a little jealous of him. Maybe I wish I could be that way. Maybe I wish I could never use some quietness. On nights like this, I get anxious though. I wonder why things didn't work out like they planned, and I hope that some way they still might. I hope Michelle would show up. I hope Julie would call back and set things straight. I just need something to salvage the night. I've been on my high and mighty so much lately and I just feel the pull starting to pull me down. It's doing a damn good job too. I would rather be sick and happy like I was a couple weeks ago then healthy and worrying about the status of my relationships with everyone. It's no fun playing guitar in this mood. And yes, that's a big deal to me. Why play guitar when you're depressed? I mean. I could sit here and play "Found Out About You" for hours, but what good will it do me? What good does anything do me? The only thing that even seems to bring peace to my soul anymore is the relationships I have and the people I talk to. This is the most bare my life has been, and I realize what life is all about. Finding people, seeing them for who they are, and loving them for it. I mean, that's what it's taken for me to love Shawn and Darnell and even Michelle and Chrissy, my mom's boyfriend and even Billy, Desirae and Savannah, and even Bob and Ruthie. But what's missing in my life? What's my happiness? My happiness is my God. I feel so far away from him right now. I mean, sure I'm reading his word and sure I'm growing whilst doing so, but I want to be closer to him. I want an actual relationship. I just don't spend enough time just praying to him because it feels tedious almost. That's what I need to figure out. I need to figure out how I can enjoy my time with God. I fear him, which is a good thing, but I know I fear him because I know I have a lot more work that I need to do. I mean, here is this thing that means so much to me, but I don't have it high enough. I just need to cut off everything that's bad that's taking my time from God. This doesn't include people. All my relationships aren't effecting my relationship with God. This must include something, though. I don't know what. I mean, I don't particularly find Deuteronomy very compelling so far. I don't know why. Maybe I like reading about the mess ups of the human race. Maybe it gives me something to strive for. Maybe this is why this book is so boring to me. I know that sounds horrible. I guess I'm not really learning anything new from Deuteronomy right now, but I'm sure that's just because I'm reading it at the wrong time. Romans is helping me. I don't know. I just don't want my life to waste away. That's another thing that makes me so unhappy. I would love to just be a good Christian. I just feel my life is the same thing, and when I try something new I just don't have the drive to do so. It's like a stupid cycle I can't break from. I don't know what it is. I'm going to start praying via writing. I'm a better writer. I'm sure if it comes from my heart God will treat it just the same. I don't know. I want to be something that helps someone. Especially children. I always wanted to help children because I felt I related, but now it's that I want to help children because I find so much beauty right there. It's sad, how I'm saying this. Here's what I mean. Sitting at Bob's house with Desirae right there, with her little red headed beautiful baby girl Savannah running around, I want to reach out my hand and call her Staylee. I sat at Huddle House tonight ready to ask a million questions of Staylee. This girl is like my image of Staylee. I don't know why. I really want a little kid that I can mold into a good person... someone better than I could ever be. Maybe that will be something I can do right in my life. I sure seem to have my heart set on it. But what's it matter? I want Julie. I don't want anyone else to carry my baby. I only want Julie because she seems to carry the same important morals as I do in the same way I do. She seems to see life the same way I do. It's almost as if I've started to doubt God lately. But it's not his fault, it's mine. I mean, I know damn well when I'm looking at everything in my life that God has done miracles for me and for others. But my own feelings, my own faults, have me felt so withdrawn. And it hurts. It hurts me so much. It makes me want to better myself, which only hurts me more. And as I said, this isn't God's doing. I just don't know. I know I'm growing so much and I guess these feelings of seperation and of wanting to improve so much are just part of the cycles I'm going to endure for the rest of my life. I don't like them, but they help me grow. I just don't know. I'm worried about my life and what I'm going to do. I want to stay in Saint Marys, but I just can't anymore. I don't know how I'm going to break it to Billy. He's counting on me. It's another thing I have to deal with. I don't think that I'm worthy of some of the relationships I've been blessed with. Especially this relationship with Julie. She deserves so much better than me. I love her so much and want to be with her so much, but I think she needs so much more than me. I don't have anything to offer her and I'm worried about what I'm going to do with my life, and she needs someone who can provide for her. I'm not giving up, I'm just telling my concerns right now. I mean, she's helped me realize some of these concerns too. I will figure something out, I always do. I just want to be able to be happy working. I don't want to have to come home and not feel like working another minute for the rest of the week after a hard Monday's day of work. I mean, I've seen everything from such a big picture for once in my life. I've seen everything. I mean, I used to have a problem with people smoking and now I just don't think it's that big of a deal. Life is short, right? I mean the only thing I'm worried about with smoking is that my baby girl is going to have to live with that. I want her to see the big picture sooner than I did, though. I want her to know smoking isn't a good thing, but I'd rather her be a smoker than someone who didn't learn. I want my child to learn more than anything in this world. I want her to learn all about religion too, so she can make a choice for herself. I want her to seek for the truth. The one thing I do that I want her to do is to seek. Seek for the truth so much. Don't ever stop asking why. I don't ever want that. It'll tear her apart sometimes, just as it tears me apart. But the pain will be well spent because she will see the beauty in her life she will see the beauty in a world that seems so dark. She will be able to prevent that from happening to herself, and to prevent it from happening to anyone she loves. There is so much that has happened in my life that proves to me that God is real. But, in my human nature, I have my doubts. There are times when I know for sure and there are times when I doubt everything. It's amazing the power of Satan against me as a human, but when Jesus is working with me it's amazing how powerful he is against Satan. When Jesus died for people like me and Julie and Staylee. He not only had seen the beauty in us, he had seen the pain. And when he died on the cross for the broken people like me and most of my friends. He died because he wanted to make everything so much easier on us. That's love. The only reason I could think of all this pain of seperation I go through. The only reason I can think of why it happens is because my soul is being prepared. I am learning lessons. But I want to learn so much more. I want to become productive and be a good citizen. I want to be a provider and I want to help people just like some amazing people have helped me. I want to help anyone who asks for my help. I want to do that. They say that the only way we love is because Jesus loves us. Because God loves us, we just reflect that love. It only makes sense after you meditate on it. A body is a shell. That explains why we can feel so empty sometime without something bigger than what we know. I don't know what to say.. sorry about the intensity of this entry. Tim 12:20 a.m. - 2003-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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