cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie's Judas Entry Probably the most touching thing I have ever EVER read. This was written by Julie in her old diary. "We all need a Judas, We all need a betraying kiss. A soul partner who will leave us weak when we are at our best, and expose our true identity to the world. someone who will walk with us along our private path, with a listening ear and a convincing stare, a stare that believes and in the end decieves. This person becomes our confidant, he reaasures us of our sincerity and amens our fumbling speechs and far fetched ideas. Never once does he question our words, not one time does he reveal his motives. Hand in hand we move with him throughout our sun drenched days, and in the dark crisp nights we lay with him. our spirits as one, eyes as one, ears as one, exposing our souls secrets, releasing all pride, breaking down our own meticulously built boundaries, allowing him to roam, run, graze and inhabit the landscapes of our minds. Oh! you think to yourself, let him cultivate my garden, let him toil and turn my hard untouched earth. He will bring to surface the rich nutrients that lie so deep within. Only he will risk the dirteness and sweat. Only he will bare the blisters and the aches i so eagerly share. We welcome his fruitful seeds of insight, we allow him to plant them and then tend to their needs. He needs our soil to sew and we need his seed to reap. A partnership begins to grow , its roots embedded in dual reliance and dependency. A dense vast crop slowly begans to unfold, a fruit that contains and tastes like the best our souls have to offer. But as the harvest days approach, you realize you see him less and less. Where is he to walk the fields, to proudly take inventory and see the result of our hard work and labor? you grow impatient , uncomfortable as your crop ripens. you feel as though you are bursting at the seams. the time is now, the time we have been working for is finally here. your bright and shining moment. but he, your judas is nowhere to be found. there are no other workers to cry out too, and it is not possible to harvest yourself. he was the farmer, you were the land, you fufilled your purpose by making yourself avaliable, now where is he to work his hands? you hope he will come, he will be here to catch the fruit before it falls to the ground. you will partake of it together, you will be free to enjoy the produce, and side by side you will survive on it, forever. Slowly and painfully you realize he has left you alone. he knowingly leaves you vunerable to the harsh elements. Strangers and robbers begin to come in packs, trampling and stirring up dust. they lustily hunger for your fruit. their hands so harsh and alien pick and grab, bite at you like animals, beating, abusing and raping what was NEVER theirs. they laugh and mock you, they spit at your wholness and beauty. filling their bellies and their pockets with your goodness, they leave you, knowing there is nonthing left to take. In their eyes you are as good as dead. With all the strength you have left you search the ruins for some bit of hope. You long to see Judas, for him to come and mend and save just one plant, just one fruit. But all is still...........You want to curse him! you want to deny the god who allowed this to happen. you want the ground to shake, to open up and pull this desolate land deep, to swallow and return you to where you came from. To harden and then shatter. no more growth to be allowed. other farmers will come in the future to plant and sew, but their shovels will only hit rock and sand. May this spot NEVER flourish again! But as the second of death approaches, you conclude all things must be forgiven. peace and love begin to creep in. No matter your sorrow, no matter your pain, you wither and die with the sense of knowing things will never be the same, you know the crust of the earth will remain forever changed. Your rotting fruit of life will enrich the soil, and other lives will grow and thrive because of your tragic end. And this whole time Judas hides and watchs this whole drama spin and reel. he watchs horrified, mystifyed, sickly satisfied. He watchs his work slowly being destroyed, he listens to the cries of the land,. his heart beats faster, his pupils dialate, but he doesnt even lift a hand. He walks along the ruins after you have died, he thought maybe there is something to be saved, something that belongs just to him, a token to bring him glory and redemption, to cause masses to beg and bow at his feet. This was his master plan. But the deceiver becomes deceived and the destroyer is now destroyed. He is now to blinded by self loathing and regret to dig deep and see the treasure that was once partly his. his mistake was believing that he could use someone elses natural resources and that the resulting product would belong solely to him. So your Judas kills himself out of hopelessness and self pity. Useless he seems as he hangs, useless he seems as he swings from the tree. No one else will ever flourish in his life nor in his death, but you and your garden, you recieved his best. To you Judas was not useless, he was your blessing not your curse. By planting his small seeds of insight and false loyalty into your wide undeveloped land, you are now able to produce what is priceless, life and infinite nutrients that will forever stimulate growth and produce the fruit that will feed all mankind. By his painful, deadly, betraying kiss , he unknowingly set the world a spinning again, and guraranteed life for every creature, boy, girl, woman and man. Every person has a Peter in their life who will deny, everyone has a Thomas who will doubt. We all have a John who becomes our beloved, a Matthew and a Mark to reinforce and support us. These people are all very important, but are not needed to infinitly survive. But I think we all need a Judas to betray us, because through his one small kiss we are given the oppurtunity we need, a chance to grow and become alive." That entry really changed my life. 12:34 a.m. - 2003-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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