cuke15's Diaryland Diary

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conversation with Melissa, Julie, Jan(uary)

Here's your long entry I promised you.. sorry if it's not what you expected.

Afae1: georgia is cold.
xDA3: yeah it is
Afae1: wee
xDA3: hehe!
Afae1: sigh
xDA3: what's up?
Afae1: just gettin confused
xDA3: bout what?
Afae1: i think julie might be ignoring me, but i dont know if i was online or not or if i was online and not on msn.. or if she's just ignoring me
Afae1: i dont know.. i cant handle this shit where i always miss her by a couple of minutes
Afae1: or when she ignores me without telling me why.. 
xDA3: hmmm doesn't sound good?
Afae1: i know.
Afae1: i mean.. thats probably one of the best parts about this whole relationship is the craziness of it allb
xDA3: haha
Afae1: but i really just want thing sto be still again
Afae1: for once in my life
xDA3: yea i can understand that
Afae1: i'd probably want things to be crazy again once they were still again, though
Afae1: i dunno
Afae1: any words of wisdom, mrs. jerry springer?
xDA3: i don't know...i'm kinda in single mode you know.  
xDA3: even though its brand new
Afae1: yeah
xDA3: i'm not even thinking about relationship
xDA3: s
Afae1: see julie and i used tot alk every night
xDA3: yeah
Afae1: and now we don't.. coz we both sorta have lives now
Afae1: but it still makes me feel alone... 
Afae1: sorry. .balh.. ill stop
xDA3: no don't stop
Afae1: bleh
xDA3: how do you mean you both sorta have lives?
Afae1: like she has work
Afae1: and it seems like every night now a days im always talking to random people whenever she might be on
Afae1: to talk
xDA3: like you aren't getting to talk to her at all?
Afae1: i do, but not too often
Afae1: and defintely not as often as we used to
xDA3: you don't live near her either yet do you
Afae1: no sir.
Afae1: i mean
Afae1: ive been through tons of relationships
Afae1: but this one still hurts
xDA3: hurts?
Afae1: yeah.. it confused me
Afae1: and that in turn makes me feel vulnerable, paranoid, and hurt
Afae1: ive never felt so close to anyone before, near or far
Afae1: "coz all i really wants to be with you, feelin like i matter too"
xDA3: how does it hurt you?
Afae1: i don't know.. it just hurts.. everything seems so good for awhile and then it doesn't
Afae1: and it confuses me
xDA3: yeah 
Afae1: i think i need someone closer by until i can feel fully comfortable with julie
Afae1: or until julie can be ready to be around
Afae1: i'm a high maintanance kind of guy
Afae1: like i had seen my ex, january, when i wetn to go get my fish today.. and i just felt something.. i mean.. it was half good and half bad, coz she has a boyfriend and all that.. but the laughs and talking and short time we had together today really meant something to me.. and filled something in me that i havent had for 4 or 5 days since i had last talked to julie
Afae1: *kills self*
xDA3: yeah...well i was thinking you two were already like..living close or together or something
xDA3: to julie
Afae1: we havent lived close to each other since 93ish
Afae1: im not trying to say that i have anythign against julie or anything
Afae1: ya know?
Afae1: i love her.. i honestly do
Afae1: and i know her and i can work through things
Afae1: but i feel like this may be the wrong time
xDA3: i think it may be too...you two need to be able to be with each other before you go getting enaged and everything
xDA3: you need to be able to spend time together
Afae1: i crying :/
xDA3: awww tim.  *hug&
Afae1: i dunno dude.. i just dont want her to be pissed at me for what i feel now
Afae1: it hurts me when we're not talking, i guess, because she helps me grow so much
xDA3: yeah i can understand that
xDA3: just let her know you feel confused
Afae1: i would have given up on Jesus and would have been doing bad shit and stuff if she hadn't been around
xDA3: you should talk to her about it all
Afae1: i should
xDA3: that's important
Afae1: i just don't want her to take it the wrong way
Afae1: it seems like that happens a lot
Afae1: i'm surprised i didn't like totally pull jan to me and kiss her today.. that's how strong this feeling really is
Afae1: i just need to figure shit out.
xDA3: yeah...
Afae1: maybe some more time with january woouldn't be so bad, 
Afae1: it'd be a break from things with julie, and i could get my mind togehter
xDA3: i think you have a lot of girls you are close too...
xDA3: you know?
Afae1: yeh.
xDA3: how long have you and julie been together?
Afae1: i dont know.. awhile
Afae1: i would love for things to just work out with one person
Afae1: i mean, i wish i could have january's reliability and faithfulness and understanding
Afae1: mixed with julie's ability to make me laugh and to help me grow and learn
Afae1: blah
Afae1: i should write a personal
xDA3: no those have bad ending
xDA3: s
xDA3: hehe
xDA3: scary even
Afae1: personal experience?
xDA3: noo
Afae1: see.. january can be the sweetest person or the worst if you're getting along or not
xDA3: i thought you meant a personal ad in the paper
xDA3: hehe
xDA3: yeah
Afae1: and things with julie seem to be going in cycles
Afae1: im surprised im talking about january so much
Afae1: theres always atleast 1 girl im always close to, though
Afae1: leona as a friend, always.. then atleast one girl im head over heels for
Afae1: you know.. i cant remember the last time i talked to one of my 2 male friends on teh phone
Afae1: but ive got a thousand female friends that i always talk to
Afae1: im babbling
Afae1: i just wish i could make some sense
xDA3: no you aren't you're getting it off your chest
xDA3: i'm here for that
xDA3: i understand what you mean
xDA3: you have girls that you feel close to...kinda in cycles of how you are feeling i think 
xDA3: at least
xDA3: that's what i gather.
xDA3: but you can always still love just one in particular
Afae1: wow
Afae1: that makes snese
Afae1: the cycles thing
xDA3: :-)
xDA3: like you love julie...
xDA3: but you yourself go through emotional cycles
xDA3: and for those cycles you are drawn to one of your other female friends that you may or may not have previously been involved with
xDA3: and it just be becasue they understand you at that point
Afae1: well see
Afae1: it's emotional cycles
Afae1: but it's more than that too
xDA3: well of course 
Afae1: emotional cycles coupled with teh current conditions of the current relationship
xDA3: right
Afae1: like im sure i could be going through these emotions
Afae1: but if julie and i were talking as much as we used to
Afae1: it'd all be fine
xDA3: well next time you get the chance to talk with her
xDA3: talk with her about this stuff
Afae1: i will.. if she isn't ignoring me
Afae1: this reminds me of a song
xDA3: what song?
Afae1: athenaeum - what i didn't know
xDA3: never heard of it
Afae1: 'thats when i said i'll need more than you can offer me.'