cuke15's Diaryland Diary
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Bitching about random stuff
Hello. My ISP has been down for the past six hours, so I have been without internet. This has given me ample opportunity to do a few things: play guitar, think about quotes, watch sesame street, and deepen my anger twoards people who are too manipulative and uncaring to pay attention to someone... Yeah, that really hurts me. I'll get over it, probably after I move. The only thing I regret is that it will never affect them because they have no conscience. They don't care who they hurt. I don't mean to bitch, I'm not really that pissed off. It's just a build up of emotion over the past 6 hours. I've been up for a while. Anyways, about the song quotes... I was listening to Default and there's this song and there's this line that goes "You'll never be content in a world as big as this." That seems to be so true to me sometimes.
Anyways, Julie called me while I was sleeping last night and woke me up. I wish I would have stayed and talked to her. I could have woke up. Oh well, she said she'd call back, but she went out and got drunk instead. I would have done the same. She knows I don't like when she says she'll call but doesn't... but I read her journal and thought "hmm, that was a decision I'd probably have made too." So yeah, It's kind of odd, usually her and I both sleep at about the same time, but not today. We'll be back on track tomorrow night, after I stay up for No Doubt and Garbage. I'm missing Local H tonight, too. That sucks. I carved my pumpkin today. I was going to do the drunk pumpkin,
but this one didn't have too much guts. Wee "Sometimes Wanna Die" by Joydrop is on. Such a sad song. Makes me wanna cry, but I think I need to. I've got a lot of stuff inside right now. Wow, now Athenaeum's on.
"I complain when nothings even wrong, and you're ashamed coz you're not quite that strong... That's when I said i'll need more than you can offer me. I miss your face as you can tell, I hope my absence makes you well." This song reminds me of so much. People are fucking idiots. Chrissy especially. Well, maybe the fact is she's too smart. She's smart enough to pull things apart and leave the other person hurt. I think she likes to see me suffer. It would explain a lot of stuff. Look at the pain in the earlier entries from 99 and 2000. It makes a lot of sense, actually, coz the one moment I was happy in life she couldn't take it and went back out with me only to hurt me again, and now she's enjoying seeing me hurt. It's fucking sad really. It's not much of a difference in her life if we're together or if we're not, she's just as content.. but she chooses to be apart so she can hurt me. I wish there was something I could do about it, but oh well. She'll never learn her lesson in this life, though. I know that's true and that's what hurts. But eventually everyone realizes stuff, and it knocks them off a bit.. and eventually, they have to deal with it. I'll have a lot to deal with, I have a lot of shit I've done wrong, but I feel happy that I've finally gotten into a good groove in life... "I just wanna be a rock star, I just wanna get laid." - Everclear. I think I'm just going to start going out with people who don't have family troubles. That's who people blame shit on. Oh well, I'm gonna go.
Tim
1:24 p.m. - 2002-10-26
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