cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- depressed, entry for Chrissy Hello friends. Most of you are probably getting ready for school. That's cool. I'm depressed now. It's amazing how I can change from being happy with a hint of depression to being completely depressed. I don't know what I can really do anymore. I feel so used up in life. I just want to get by. I want to do so much, but I've messed up so much due to my own depression.. so I just end up creating more depression. I love myself as a person and all I've learned and all the stories I can tell.. but I hate the way I feel. I can't change what's wrong if I don't know what's wrong. Maybe I'm lying to myself about something. Maybe I'm lying to you about something. I don't know. I honestly don't know myself anymore, I just know my stories and my feelings and the fact that I'm going in the right direction.. but I still don't know anything about myself. This is almost like a Creed - What's this Life For? moment.. only a little more complex. What's this life for and will I ever find complete happiness again. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm starting to actually hurt again about Chrissy. I told you it was sorta like a trip over the finish line when we had seen each other, even though it was good. It was kind of a win/lose situation. Things just seem hopeless and I'm scared of where I'm going. It doesn't help when you got your own girlfriend telling you you're a slacker, even if it is playfully. I'm scared.. I'm just trying to get on my feet before I commit to something, because If I start a job without being on my feet.. it'll be the same shit.. I just will quit once I get in. I want to succeed and I want to do good things for people. The only selfish thing I want in return is for someone to understand me. Is that so much to ask for? Someone to tell me, without me asking them to, everything about me that I didn't think anyone would understand. That's what I always tried to do with Chrissy. I always tried to show her I understood what she felt and that I could understand her reasons for feeling like that.. and she did a fair job in return. Maybe that's what I miss... It is part of our bond, so it probably has a lot to do with it... maybe I miss the understanding she had of me.. because believe me, she understood me just as much as I did her. I told you I felt it again when we were sitting here on Thursday night in my living room after Amy & Shawn ran to the store.. I knew she could feel my insecurity and selfish concern about the situation with Jan. She told me what she felt, honestly, though.. because she felt what I was feeling.. It's something in the tone of each others voice, I'm guessing. Something that only we can hear in each other. Well, just us for now. Maybe we'll both have other people. I'm still sorta stuck on the soul bond, thing though.. but I'm trying to step back in the realization that if things were meant to happen they'd happen in the future. You probably can't tell unless you're specifically paying attention to it.. I mean, the voice thing.. her and I can tell the differences in our voices. I don't think anyone else recognizes it or can tell.. I think that's part of our bond and I don't think it can be taught to hear each other the way we do. Boy that sounds deep. I'm not much of a deep person. I don't think so atleast. I can't write poetry, I'm not very artistic.. so I'm not deep. I'm just trying to pour this all out right now how I see it. I'm not trying to make this entry sound like an obsession over Chrissy.. but to show what someone understanding how I feel is the thing that can save me from falling into the black. Maybe that's why I'm always talking about how I can relate to people.. Maybe that's what makes me feel secure. The thing with Chrissy, though, was we seemed to be able to relate with everything.. even if we didn't go thru the same things as each ohter, we seemed to be able to put ourselves in the other persons conscienceness. Maybe because we understand each others past. Maybe not. I don't know. I like talking about the subject and sometimes I worry that writing about her so much (which I actually do trip and need to wallow in it to help me move forward and away for the time being).. sometimes I worry that what I write alienates her.. or makes others mad. I guess I shouldn't worry and should write what I want anyways.. But the thing is I just want people to understand.. and I know this sounds selfish, but I want the sympathy for the shit I've been through. I want to be loved. I think not too many people can understand that. I guess it's not bad that it's selfish.. I mean, everyone wants to have sympathy when they've been thru horribly bad things, even though I do deserve them. My horribly bad things that happen about me are rumors about me and the lack of understanding people are able to have about me. I deserve it all. But even so, I do think I need sympathy from people.. I want everything to stop and rise above it and see me for what I've went thru. Like Chrissy has. I mean, anyone who talks to me knows that I want to move forward and I'm trying.. so maybe what I need is for people to get to know me more. Maybe I need to do more things with people. I don't know. Maybe not. The point is I'm depressed and don't know why.. and I guess I want understanding from other people. If I only I could make myself happy soley on the realizations I have that I'm trying my hardest and my intentions are good. I know it doesn't seem to others that I'm trying my hardest, but I'm sure if they looked at me they'd see otherwise. I make mistakes.. a shit load of them. I'm not afraid to admit that. I've been getting better though and I like that. I just want all the untrue rumors to stop. I want the true things that I've done to keep being told.. I deserve that.. and I want people to get to know me. I want to be given a fair chance, with all the facts out. So yeah... this entry's for Chrissy. Since I can't talk to her, and I think she reads this. This is a thank you entry for getting to know me deep down and being the only person in the world who can see things completely from my view. Oh well. Tim 6:00 a.m. - 2002-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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