cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Locked..Chrissy The diary is now locked.. I feel something inside of me about Chrissy that needs to be released and I don't want her to know what I'm typing because it wouldn't be fair for her to have to read this... not at this time. I've been so happy recently, and I can't understand it. It's been so good. I haven't even thought of Chrissy as much as I used to. Like, maybe twice a day if that.. and not for more than 2 minutes at a time. It's really making me feel guilty but I know I'm moving forward in this. That's the good part.. maybe what I said in the past was true..maybe she just isn't girlfriend material to anyone. That's what makes me wonder the most. I don't know. I told you I had felt her thinking about me earlier and it was weird. I'm sure this will be the only entry specifically about her for quite a while, if not forever. I just got this thing inside of me.. I don't know. Maybe this is my last breath.. my last realization that it's over.. which is a good thing.. because it means I can completely focus on Jan now.. which I really want to do. Jan is a very smart girl and is fun to conversate with. I don't know why I felt the urge to have to write this entry about Chrissy.. I just feel I do.. I have to let my final thoughts and feelings flow and recognize she'll always be inside of me.. but realize that she's not the one. It's a beautiful thing to realize that.. even in it's sorta death state. I don't know. Chewy has got me thinking about that by one line in his diary..or was it something he IM'ed me? I don't know.. all I know is I am like 98% forward.. and this is one of the things that is going to push me to 100% moving forward and having this part of my life over with. The thing about this.. and I need to state this.. I know Jan is not a rebound girl.. because I know I'd be 98% away from Chrissy with or without her here. I may be dedicated, but I'm not blind.. and I can see when there's no future. I think that's what Chewy had seen me realize too. So yeah.. a little bit of anger and a little sadness.. then I just stopped thinking and feeling her at all until today.. It feels like a death breath.. the dying of a moment in time in our lives.. I guess maybe that's why I needed to write this.. needed to be able to look back on how I was feeling and what I felt.. so yeah.. There ya go. I'll unlock it in 3-4 weeks.. or a little sooner.. Who knows.. Once I feel it's the right time. Tim 1:24 a.m. - 2002-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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