cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Perks of Being A Wallflower, Chewy/Trust, Jan, Ten Years Gone Blah.. So I stayed up reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower last night until 3 AM until my dad complained about the light seeping into his room. I was kinda annoyed I had to stop. I don't know why. I can't relate to the book.. something about it doesn't seem right to me. There was this one part where he said "I don't think famous people really are like the rest of us" or something like that, but they are.. I don't know. There were a bunch of good realizations in there too.. Like Patrick was like "the only love we feel is the love we think we deserve." or something like that. Maybe that's why I fall in love with people who think they're above me. Maybe I think I deserve all this.. I deserve to be treated like I'm less than them. Maybe not. If it's true, then does that make me just a masochist? Who knows. Maybe I do enjoy the pain. Oh well. Hehe. I'm still happy, not as happy as I've been. I hope it's just leveling off but not fading out. It felt weird talking to Jan online last night for some reason, probably because of the shit from last night. I don't know. I think things will be OK. In fact, I know they will. I got to talk to Julie some more last night. Nothing too big, though. I worked on "Ten Years Gone" By Zeppelin for about 20 minutes this morning. I've got the basic flow of the song down.. still have some parts where I mess up, though. I'm only playing all the rhythm parts so far. It's a really beautiful song. I don't know what it is, but I kind of feel guilty for having so much fun up here. I've even been thinking about what it would be like if I lived here again. I don't know. I know things have been really fun and laid back.. but I know up here all that shimmers is sure to fade. My dad and I just can't be around each other for long periods of time. Same with my brother and I. I guess that goes for any family, really, though. Everyone needs their space and when I don't have a room up here that's not too possible. Oh well.. I figured I would say this, and I haven't told Jan this, but I really honestly do need to say this. I'm glad that Chewy has put at least a little trust in me with Jan.. because I don't think I could go thru this relationship if he didn't trust me at all. I know it's hard for him to trust me, especially after all the pain between Chrissy and I, but he does at least have some level of trust in me to say "tim, don't hurt her please". I don't plan to, and it makes things a lot easier for me that he said that. I don't know. I just want this to be something where no one has any total negative opinions about her and I being together. It's kind of fucked when you have the realization that people completely don't like the fact you are together. If there is a level of trust, though, at any level.. it can make things easier in the future when they see this isn't just a rebound relationship, or when they see I'm not going to hurt her. I don't know why, I just really get weirded out when someone says stuff like that. I don't know why. I guess no one really wants doubters, though. Oh well. I trust everything will be OK. BTW.. Chewy I need your email addy again.. send me another message on AIM.. Oh yeah.. one last self advert.. anyone who reads this.. if you want guitar lessons.. contact me.. I love teaching guitar and playing with other people (guitarwise). It's the only thing I know how to do that helps others right now, and that's basically what I want to do. The Perks of Being A Wallflower, hmm, let's get back on that subject.. yeah.. it just seems fabricated to me so far.. I've only read thru the first part so far, and the quote Jan read me was something I can really relate to. I've realized the kid goes thru a lot of realizations and he writes with a flow, like me. I see a lot of myself in his character, but then again, I can't relate to a lot of it. I wish I was as dedicated and as driven as a student as he was, though. I don't know.. maybe I'll see more of myself in him when he starts to realize more stuff.. or when I realize more stuff.. who knows. Don't get me wrong, it's a good book.. it's just hard for me to understand completely.. so Yeah... Tim 12:59 p.m. - 2002-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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