cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Awesome night, Katie, Chewy, Jan, shooting star, a bit about Chrissy Tonight was a very good night.. which is good because it capped off a fairly depressing day. Katie and I had a decent conversation online about shit from the past.. and she said I helped her and cheered her up a bit so that made me smile. All I told her is that she was one of the things in this world that helps keep me sane and I wouldn't want her to be dead. *shrug* I guess that's all she really needed to hear though. I finally said something that helped someone out. Then we got talking about Danielle a bit.. very depressing story.. worries me a bit, but I'm not gonna write about it. Privacy issue. Next, I was talking to Chewy online and he asked me about Chrissy and I answered him as honestly as I could. He asked me why I was so suicidal back in the day because he hated it when I was because it hurt Chrissy.. and I told him I know I was an asshole for it.. but I didn't really know how to cope back then. I told him I've learned how to do that shit.. as my diary has recently shown you. Sure I'll say "I wanna die" every now and then, but I don't go up popping pills or threatening to kill myself anymore. I actually know how to cope. I told him I think it's better, for that reason, that her and I don't talk because she can't handle the intensity of the emotions I had around her. I don't know. Even though, I do see a lot of the bad shit she's done.. and like she said.. we both fucked up along the way. It's no use saying she was wrong or I was, we both were and that's why we are where we are now. I guess maybe that's what I've been trying to say all day. Anyways, I talked to Leo & she helped me with a concern I was having. Hehe.. Really helped me.. just by listening.. Then Jan called me again and we talked for about an hour. It was great.. I just got back in and I'm all smiling now. I had walked up the road a bit but the phone started breaking up.. which sucks.. I wanted to try and make it to the haunted covered bridge (yes It's really haunted).. but the phone was breaking up.. so I went back and laid in the middle of the road (rural georgia.. middle of night.. no worries).. and I had seen a few deer.. but oh well.. that's nothing uncommon up here so I went back up onto my stone driveway and looked up at the stars.. there were these four stars.. three of them were horizontal and under the middle one was another star.. and from the star on the right all the way to the star on the bottom.. (cutting between the two vertical stars) there was a shooting star! It was pretty cool. I made my wish.. that Jan and I would actually work out as best we can in the situation we're in. It felt really comforting talking to her thru all of this.. even though two dogs ran in front of my house in the street.. scared the fuck out of me.. seeing two big ass dogs just running by. Oh well.. but anyways, we talked about people.. my favorite subject to talk about (along with music).. We talked about all the mistakes we've made and what we regret and don't regret.. we talked about our parents.. just let shit flow... the way it was meant to be. I don't know. It was really cool. I told her I know the same shit everyone else knows, but I do trust her even though I know the shit everyone else knows. I guess my instinct is telling me to trust her, even though she seems to have fucked up in the past. It was good to talk about her, so afterwards I came back on and here I am now. I feel good.. and I think it can last the rest of the night and maybe even into tomorrow.. Chewy asked me some good questions though.. like favorite sound... that was my favorite to answer.. I told him the muffled sound of a guitar outside of a club when they're doing sound check.. or the sound of someone elses breath when you're making out really hard into them. I told him I wish I didn't care about what other people think like he doesn't. I really wish so. That's what makes him so much of a better person. The way I dress and the shit I listen to are the only things I do for myself, and I find that kind of sad.. always trying to please someone else. I mean, it's good to an extent to think of others.. but you shouldn't let them influence who you are or what you like.. I think maybe that's where I'm fucking up. Leona is helping me out a lot with that too in her own way.. That's why I envy him.. so that's another goal I choose to work twoards. Jan downloaded the rest of the 40 ft. ringo songs.. I like the fact that when we talk about that band.. we're like probably the only people in the whole state of Georgia, maybe even in the whole USA or the whole world talking about that band at that time.. not that they don't deserve fame, I just like the fact it's something special for the true first fans to share while they can.. so yeah.. Tim 2:24 a.m. - 2002-08-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||