cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chrissy Hello diary. Damn, I guess Chrissy's diary put me in my place. *sigh* oh well. Just another bad feeling to overcome. Unless she actually is making the mistake still and can't realize it. I think that's what I did. But oh well, right? I think I'm going to try and stop reading her diary again. It's too depressing. I mean, I learned nothing new from her diary.. it's just it's the same shit being raped into my mind. "I enjoy being single".. that's not part of what I thought was the mistake.. but as I said, that's just my opinion.. the thing I thought was the mistake was where she acts like everythings fine and dandy in her life, when everything never is in her life to the point of writing estatic entries. That would imply that I was the only problem in her life, and I know I wasn't. Oh well. Who am I to judge what someone else writes? I know in 2000 when I wrote I always tried to make it look like I was doing so well just to let her know that she, or the feelings I have for her, weren't getting to me.. and it seems to be the other way around.. but atleast she admitted in her last entry she did miss what we had (and still can have).. so I guess she basically fixed the mistake. You can't go on and ignore something and not talk about it.. and try to make it seem like it's not important.. I think we pretty much have spent the past month or so realizing just how important what goes on between her and I is. I'm pissed off, yeah.. but oh well.. she can have her big group of friends and I can be by myself. That's what hurts, though.. I want her to do well.. but I want her to do well with me. I don't know. I guess that does sound sorta selfish, but it's not what it sounds like. I'm basing that on how I feel and what I know is possible if she were to try. It didn't even hurt more when she told me she was just telling me there was a chance in the future and really had thought there wasn't.. it hurt me the most when she said she tried.. even when we had this big plan on what we were going to do and we never ended up doing that. When there was a problem in the relationship, she told Shawn.. which I'm not against doing.. but I need to be told too, so I can help the situation and talk through it. I mean, it can't be anywhere near like the first time we went out if that's not how it's going to be.. and it pissed me off and hurt me when she said she did tried as hard as she could, but she doesn't really know what that means.. I'm the one still trying.. I don't know. I want her to do well in life.. yes... but I'd rather her do well in life with me. I'm very down about all this and I'm sure she'll just go off and find a new boyfriend and I'll be hurt again. I don't know. I'll find my way back up again, though. I just can't help but think that she's fucking around with my mind. I mean.. how do you say you tried your hardest when you didn't even stick to the plan? How could you say your soulmates, but don't want to work things through? How can you say you have this incredible bond, but not recognize it? I don't know. She said she'll never forget me, but I know she will. I'm dependant on how she feels right now, and that scares me. If I stop reading her diary now, my feelings won't get any worse than they are now until someone either says something or until I stumble across her diary again. That's what went wrong after we broke up in 99. I was trying so hard to get her out of my life, but all I kept hearing about from a thousand million people was how she was talking shit about me, and it hurt. I don't know. Once I started finally seeing a light, and finally started noticing life can go on without Chrissy.. that's when she decided she missed me and was sorry for everything that happened in the past. I just think it's fucked up. I don't know. I just played guitar and I was shaking when I was done. I let out a lot, but not enough, obviously.. becuase I'm still typing. Part of me is mad at Chrissy.. and part of me is sad about this shit.. but all of me is in love with her.. even if I don't understand her. I mean.. fuckin "Purple Rain".. that song describes everything.. I wish I could write songs so I wouldn't have to put up everyone elses words. Oh well. I don't know anymore. I'm not going to lie and say the situation makes me happy. I did that in 99/00.. doesn't work. Feelings change a lot... I just know that I have this love inside of me and I don't understand it. I sent Chrissy an IM asking her one last time if she hated me or not.. if I don't get a reply I think I do know my answer..but I'm not sure.. That's the thing that hurts me the most.. uncertainty.. Every other bad feeling just eats away one big chunk.. but uncertainty bites small chunks over and over until there's nothing left. Oh well. I don't know. I feel very weak and vulnerable.. and a big part of me thinks she likes seeing me like this... and I think maybe that's why she came back.. because I was just getting that part back.. and then she had seen what she once gave up.. and then she had seen me getting more vulerable for her feelings for me, then she left me.. lovely.. Actually, I think I know that's how it is. I just don't know anymore. I'm actually getting worse writing in here.. I was fine when I started and now I'm coming to some awful realizations.. I mean, when she can't even answer a question like "do you hate me?" .. I even emailed her it.. if she can't even answer that.. why should I think she's wants to see me well.. I think she wants to see me doing bad.. and it hurts.. I mean, I don't hate her.. I think that's obvious.. I don't know.. Fuck man, I do think she's turning her back away on something totally good and something that can be fixed.. but she doesn't trust me.. she doesn't try.. she can't even talk to me about what's going on when we are together and she just seems to not like me.. I really do think I was just some sort of temporary relief. I was stronger for her than once and she was weak so she had seen me for how I am deep down.. and I got weak as a result.. because I trusted myself with her and now I'm hurt. I just wanted her to send me a message on Yahoo telling me if she cared or not. I wasn't even going to respond with anything more than an "OK.." or an "Alright.." but I guess she does hate me..or she could have atleast had Shawn tell me. I mean, she told him everything else. Wow, I sound bitter. Oh well, I am.. I just think she should be able to tell me anything. I can't read her diary anymore. *sigh* Maybe she'll read this and decide if she wants to answer my question.. or maybe she wont.. Tim 5:00 p.m. - 2002-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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