cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Horoscope, Katie, Chrissy, a mistake, Jan(uary) VIRGO Sunday, July 28, 2002 (Tomorrow) You might be looking for a little more excitement in your relationships today. Try to take advantage of any opportunities to get out and socialize since you'll probably meet some new and interesting people who might shake things up a bit. Don't be afraid to go ahead and have a good time today. Maybe I'll go out today when I get to Athens.. Anyways, I noticed Chrissy is making the same mistakes in her diary as I had been in 2000. I don't want to get into it, though.. because I'm trying to keep a positive image of her, because she's not a bad person. I'm not going to be afraid to say in here that I do care about how she feels and I don't want her to hate me and I do love her. I'm not going to make the error I had made in 2000 by trying to even act like the situation wasn't bothering me, when it was clear as day it did. I woke up not in a good mood and not in a bad mood. I actually talked to Jan(uary) again until I was too exhausted to talk. I hadn't done that in a really long time. She tends to come along and do that at the best of times. I guess I'm leaving shortly. I'll update more later. Maybe Chrissy isn't making a mistake, who am I to know for sure, right? [Refer to page 13 of my 4th paper notebook]. There, now I can remember what I'm thinking is the mistake. Of course we all have our own ways to do things, and even though I didn't think I was making a mistake in 2000, I was. It's not right to hide things and try and get an upper hand, because you fall miserably. Katie came out of the blue yesterday and told me "I care about you alot".. and I didn't even ask her if she did.. that meant the world to me. It reminded me as I was just fading away, walking away from her one time and she grabbed me from behind and held me. It reminded me of that, but only in a more subtle friendship way. It cut through the darkness overshadowing the whole situation and actually let me see things from a couple of view points. Maybe it's not so bad sitting at the table by myself. All that was left behind was that, left behind. It can be refound one day with a bit of faith, who knows. Jan(uary) and I have been listening to 40 Ft. Ringo lately. Great music. She related how we feel about the band to something in "The perks of being a wallflower". It made sense too.. because we all just want 40 ft. ringo to not get signed, because it's special if not everyone else in the world is listening to them. I don't remember exactly what she read, though. Oh well. Yeah, anyways, she told me "I know your feelings are with someone else and if something between us doesn't happen with that I understand and I'll still be your friend." It kind of made me feel good. Don't get me wrong, I'm having more of a bad time with this whole situation.. with Chrissy, but a lot of stuff has came along and brought me back into focus... I was pretty messed up for a while last night, now it's managable. I just have to keep my mind busy.. driving today will help that and playing guitar up at dad's will do good too. I'm worried about Julie.. she had to go get a check up because of one of her problems and she hasn't been online since. I'm pretty sure she's in the hospital which is sad. I had thought about entering the first song of Oleander's "February Son" CD but I'm way too lazy to look it up. It describes sort of the mistake Chrissy has been making in her diary. I'm not telling her how to write her diary, seriously. I know it sounds like that, I'm just writing this for my own reference.. on how I think. I mean, she's a human.. I'm a human.. she gets her own opinions and stuff. If she is making a mistake, I'm sure she'll learn what it is eventually and work from it. For the one mistake I think she is making, she's doing a thousand things right.. so maybe I should stop being pessimistic. I make a lot of mistakes too... so I should really just shut up or something. Hehe. I just want to have a bastard attitude today. I think I deserve it today, to be able to have a bastard attitude. I just don't want to get cocky or allow things to get out of perspective. I just want to have enough to grab onto to pull myself up a little more. I was talking to Jan(uary) and I told her how cool it was that the dude in 40 Ft. Ringo sings "If I gave a shit about doing the right thing" in one of his songs, because usually people are too concerned with doing the right thing.. which isn't a bad thing at all.. it's just sometimes you need a break from trying to be good and instead trying to let it flow. I bet if Chrissy and I had kept trying that one time we went out for three weeks, I bet we would have either worked up enough to make it worthwhile in her eyes or have worked down to making it work as a friendship. I think so, atleast. I don't know.. maybe I'm wrong. Oh well, I better go get dressed. Six hours driving through Georgia, fun... Tim 9:43 a.m. - 2002-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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