cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Situation with Chrissy, unlocked, Greenwheel - Disappear First off. The diary is now unlocked, now. I'm sick of it being locked. Now for the entry: I was reading the usual stuff I read in Chrissy's diary (nothing recent, just older entries).. but I had never actually read a lot of the stuff before we started talking again. Just the stuff where she said she missed me and stuff... but It turns out, after finally reading the entries before she started thinking about me, she did start thinking about me and caring about me just as she was coming off another relationship. I think I'm starting to feel like just a temporary relief. That would explain why she just disappeared. I was gonna type the lyrics, but I know I already had them in my diary. It's not that I don't think Chrissy has the strongest feelings for me.. I just don't think she would have came back ever if it weren't for just coming off a relationship. "Where did you go You forgot about all you�ve left behind It�s all on the table And you wonder why you can�t hurt any more Your emotions just can�t be seen in light You�re lost in here You just disappear" I guess that describes it. I think she starts to remember what she lost.. and then she forgets all she's left behind and leaves it "on the table".. then.. "you just disappear".. like right now. I don't know if she feels or knows what she's left behind, but I know she recognizes the size of it, I think that may be what she's afraid of.. we both know it's good and large. But for another moment with her.. to wait until she does remember... it makes all the waiting worth it. I was listening to the CD while I was reading the older entries and realized how quickly she had turned to me after the relationship she previously had and it kind of made me think. What can I do, though? I mean.. things have been better for us over the past two days.. we're actually talking. Things may go back to not talking eventually.. but the one thing that remains constant is I'm always sitting at the table waiting for her to reappear. Boy, this is depressing me. I don't even get mad when she reappears after just disappearing. I'm just glad she's back. I don't know. No one will understand me and why I feel like this and why I'm not afraid to just sit and sit and wait and wait. It's nothing I can explain. I just don't want to lose what's left on the table. I just can't explain why. It seems like when Chrissy does come back into focus she does realize (and sees) what is sitting there.. but eventually things seem to fade out. I don't think it will always be like this... I honestly hope not. I really don't think it will. I love her for who she is and how I can relate to how she feels. I love her for the bond we have and all the emotions we have when she has appeared..I love her for everything we can talk about. Maybe that's what's "on the table".. It's neverchanging. My love for her is unconditional.. I believe that now. I think she knows we're soul mates.. I think she honestly knows that... but like she says.. she's just afraid to use those words right now. Maybe that's part of the reason why she keeps disappearing. It's something that can be fixed, though. Fear is just a fear of getting hurt in some way. I'm not willing to hurt her.. I guess that's something she has to work to trust, though. I guess that's why I don't leave the table. The reason she's working on it and the reason that I don't want to leave what's sitting on the table. I don't want it to take a long time, but I am willing to wait for it if does. Sometimes the best way to build that trust is to jump right into things. I guess. I'll read this entry later and keep adding to how I feel. This whole entry was a way to describe the situation how I had seen it relate to Greenwheel's song.. Tim 2:31 p.m. - 2002-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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