cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- innocent?, Chrissy, insecure, Lit Well.. this is entry 486. Quickly approaching the 500th entry. Some people have been being morons lately. Trying to get me to give them attention, trying to get me to explode at them. I'm not going to. The fault in the whole situation wasn't mine. I find the whole situation rather amusing. For once in my life I have nothing to hide from anyone, nothing to be ashamed of. So I don't have to worry about being blackmailed. I can honestly say that if anyone is told I said anything or if I did anything bad.. I can honestly say it's a lie. It makes me feel really well inside to feel clean.. maybe even innocent.. for once in my life. Anyways, yeah.. I'm trying to work Chrissy into this entry somehow, but I don't know how. I wonder if she still thinks about me, if she has someone else, if she has plans, if she's mad at me (even though if she is, she really doesn't have a reason coz I've done nothing wrong! :) hehe, I love being able to say that... I just got thru saying that though), I wonder a lot. I think I know she feels me somehow. It's weird. It's a sorta psychic power thing. I can feel it too. It can be a good and bad thing, right now I'm unsure. I'm just unsure about the future. It was funny.. the first thing I did when I woke up today (about 9PM)... was think about suicide. I was down for some reason. I got over it, though. I just don't want this to be some fucked up sitation where she got it so she has no obligation to go out with me and then she goes out and forgets about me. That's what would really hurt. I doubt she'd do that, though. I've been thinking about her more lately, which has brought some horrible suicidal feelings in lately.. but it's also brought a lot of smiling and stuff. Especially in conversations with people. "She calls me up, says she's coming over.. so I run home.. Ooooo.. Just to wait around.. she calls me names, then we play some mind games.. and I don't know.. Ooooo.. but I think I like it.. now she's the only one who blocks my number and she's the only one who calls.. Yeah, Oh Yeah. What's wrong with me? Yeah, OH Yeah. Why Can't I see? Yeah, Oh Yeah. I'm so addicted to you and you're such a dick to me." I don't know why I put that song up. I like it. Hehe. Didn't mean to stray from the Chrissy subject. I want to know if her feelings for me change.. if she doesn't really want any type of future with me.. that way I don't have to sit here and think it'll happen if it doesn't. Otherwise, I'm happy just like this. I guess I just want to write about it because I feel vulnerable. I guess that's understandable, right? I'm unsure and insecure about her feelings and intentions. I don't know if she wants someone else. I don't know if she really does want some kind of relationship in the future. Who knows, right? I just want to know once someone does know. I was watching sesame street on the couch in my living room this morning.. and this always happens when I watch sesame street.. I was imagining.. maybe even feeling Chrissy on top of me... and us two watching Sesame Street with my arms around her body.. just holding her, knowing she was alright.. feeling her body and soul entertwine with me. God, that's sappy. I'm just trying to translate the feeling of those moments into this. I find simple pleasures in that stuff. Just holding. It's funny because I never think of sex with her unless I'm really getting into it with myself, which is odd for a girlfriend. I know I love her because my main concerns are just feeling this bond I have with her, knowing she's alright. It's fucking sappy of me. I guess I'm lame, right? I wonder if anyone can understand me. I wonder if she reads this and thinks how lame it is. She probably does. She probably hates how I feel. I wonder if she feels the same way too sometimes. Just wanting to feel an intertwining of our souls. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe when I feel the tug in my heart.. maybe that's when she longs for the intertwining of us two. Maybe not. I like to think of it like that, though. It makes things easier to deal with. Hopefully I'll find out one day. I just want to know if things change so I can stop getting deeper. I just want to know if I ever become less than number 1. I guess I'm satisfied if she's happy. I think she is. Hopefully the future works out between us. It's a beautiful thing that no one else can really feel. I'm gonna go. Tim 10:57 p.m. - 2002-07-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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