cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm fucked up Well this is going to be a classic, long, depressing entry. Jeeze, I've just fell apart in the last 12 hours. I don't know what it is. Julie's not around right now. I'm usually talking to her right now. I think she's right, maybe she does want more from me than I want from her. Maybe I am fixiated on one person. Maybe I'm not my soulmate's soulmate. I've gotten so depressed in just 12 hours. I went from being happy to feeling a pain in my heart and thinking what people would say after I killed myself. I do that a lot. I think about Chrissy crying and blaming it on herself. I wouldn't mind her knowing the pain I go through, but I don't think that would be a fair way to make her see. I ended up messaging her on yahoo, telling her if she wanted to talk about anything I was there. Why does this hurt so much? Pfft. That's a played out line. It hurts, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sitting here with all the pain inside of me with no way of getting it out. It's not that I wish Chrissy bad, I just wish she could realize. I know ignoring her always works because eventually she comes back realizing what she gave up, but it seems like this time nothing is going to happen because she'll be off to college soon. I don't know what to do. Suicide seems like the best possible choice right now. I'm just afraid, though. I'm already feeling she's with someone else, so that's probably how it is. I just got the feeling she is. Maybe that's what is hurting me. Maybe that's what sank in earlier. I'm convinced I'm a bad person trying my hardest to do the best I can and still failing. I don't know if I'm the two-faced person or if Chrissy is or if we both are. I just know trying to talk to her won't work, because she seems to already hate me. I just don't know what to think. I have such low thoughts about her, but my heart has such high feelings about her. I know she's a good person, I just wish my brain could see past all the bad shit she's done. I don't know. I'm not a fucking angel myself. I get really pissed off when shit doesn't work. I know I love her and I know what I feel. My heart hurts, a lot. My whole soul is broken. I'm fragile. I just don't know what can fix it. Maybe being friends with her could help. I atleast have to hear from her first, though. There is no way I can express my heart in this diary entry at this time. So it's useless. A bunch of confusion, hopelessness, and wish for change. Tim 10:41 p.m. - 2002-07-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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