cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dad, January, down (but better) Do you notice how some people only seem to realize your down sides? I know I always try to look at the up and the down. I try to be fair.. but it seems like all I've been hearing lately is how I'm always so depressed. No one seems to remember the times around graduation when I was happy. Oh well, I'm not going to bitch and complain about it. Another thing which is weird is no one likes talking on the phone anymore. I know my life is of worth, just the mere fact I was put on this earth tells me that. I just need to know what my mission is. I'm still contemplating going back to Athens with my dad. He's here now. Mom should be home tomorrow. My dad and I went to Zaxby's. He's been a perfect dad all night. I've been trying harder too. It's still a bit of fear and untrust, though. I know he's changed, though. He learned the lesson I did with Katie.. he and I are alike, but it took him until he was in his 40s and physically abused me until he learned the lesson. I don't know what it is about my family line. I bet his father did that too, but his father didn't even stick around. At least my dad did that. Everyone in my family line gets better and better as people, yet of course I still feel so horrible. I saw Jan in Sam Goody. I walked up to see Greenwheel's new CD. I would have bought it, but she came up to me and was like "Hi Tim. Can I help you buy something?".. and when I didn't look at her (I'm still upset about the Chewy thing) and I said "no" and put the CD down and started walking off.. she said "Why not?".. then I said "I'm fine" and she was like "Have you heard about Camacho and I?" and I said "yes" and she said "Figures, everyone has." I didn't look at her except when I walked in to see who was working. I didn't mean to be rude to her, I just wasn't prepared to think about the situation. I wouldn't be so weirded about it if Chewy's diary and reactions didn't seem so much like my reactions when Chrissy and I broke up, round #1. I've wanted to be her friend, some how. I just don't know. She cares, I guess that means she's atleast got some good side. I bet she has a real good side, I just need to find it. I just need to be open minded that her first impression wasn't her true self. I felt really decent for the first part of the day. A little lower than average.. then I got into thinking, and it became a marginal bit below average, but not oh my god, boohoo, i'm crying depressed. I'm just adjusting. I'm hoping it passes soon. If I go up to Athens/Atlanta, I'm going to get my new friend Julie to meet me up at the free Butch Walker/Left Front Tire/Riddlin' Kids show. Oh well. Today is about a 5, on a scale of one to 10. Maybe a 5 and a half. Still having thoughts of Chrissy when my mind isn't busy thinking about other things. Julie said something that is keeping me together at the seems.. something like "your diary is fascinating".. or something.. she said it a couple days ago. She asked me what it was like to look back and see how you were feeling back in the day, and I told her it feels like watching a video of myself have a breakdown in some of the entries. I can look back and see where I tried to put up a false picture. I allowed my emotion to go through, but I didn't allow myself to express it to the amount I needed to, because I didn't want others to think that I was letting them win, but in the end they won anyways. Oh well. I see that in Chewy's diary too. You can see he's hurt, but he's not letting it out. I sure talk about him enough, he doesn't even know I read his diary. Tim 12:34 a.m. - 2002-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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