cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just talking.. Hello. I'm confused. I want a higher quality of life. We all know the routine... feel depressed for a couple days, then go back to being lonely, my only salvation is friends. It's too bad they're not around much anymore. Everyone has their own things to do. I think I need to spend the next day or two being selfish, thinking about myself and how bad it is. Then I can go back to focusing on the good parts of my life. I know I'll be lonely. I'm meant to be single, though. I have to accept the fact that the best I've ever felt isn't what I've been meant to have. I'm not trying to dump on anyone. I just don't know. I don't like how Chrissy thinks she knows what this so called "bond" would be best as... she thinks we'd make perfect friends, but we wouldn't... I hate to bring anything physical into it, but I'd just be too concerned with kissing her and holding her and shit like that. It's not that that's what's most important when we're going out, but to be friends I would need to know there was something more than friends there. We weren't meant to be friends. We never were. We went way too far to be friends. I would still want more alone time, too. Either a physical side to the friendship, or more alone time. That way I knew it was something special. I know this sounds fucked up, but it's not. I'm convinced there is something really special between us when she actually tries, and it feels like a waste. There is no grey areas, it's all or nothing. I mean, she's fucking right, it's not fair for me to have to change and give up all my likes just to make the relationship work, but I didn't mind doing it. I was happier giving up my wants and being with her than being alone. Everyone seems to be comforting me. All my internet friends. I'm lame. I've got all these internet friends. They're all understanding and stuff. Well, they're trying atleast. It's not much of a comfort, but it's a comfort. It's good to know people care. I just need a couple days to feel bad. I can get better after that. Well, not better, but back to normal. Maybe not, who knows. I'm just guessing. What makes me happy is helping others. It helps me feel better about my own problems. Well I'm going to go for now. I'll probably be back with more complaining later. A couple days out and I guess things will be better. Tim 1:30 a.m. - 2002-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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