cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here's my bitching Here, fuck you all, here's a woah is me entry. I hope you all enjoy it. Laugh at me all you like. A) I'm ugly. B) I can't spend any time with my girlfriend alone because.. C) we have to keep this whole relationship a secret because her parents hate me, and I don't even know why. D) I'm told by a lot of people that Chrissy told them I raped or stalked her in 1999, which isn't true.. When I ask her about it she denies it... and I don't know what to think about the whole situation. I just wish I knew who said what so I can understand it and put it behind me. E) I'm told I need to work on my kissing technique.. which isn't much of a problem, but the suggestion for fixing it is "practice", yet you can't practice when you can never be alone because you always have to ride a bike to meet your girlfriend, and you can't be anywhere unless they have a group of people, the cause of reason C). F) I can't even get help when I need it for the simple fact I can't even afford it anymore. G) I'm not good with people, I'm very nervous and always worried about what I say.. so of course it always comes out wrong and no one understands me right, except the one person who I'm with now H) I'm so happy just being single, but I'd rather be in this relationship just on the common feeling we'll work out. I) I tell her if I'm making her feel so bad to break up with me, and she says it's not me who's making her feel bad, but in my mind it is. It seems so unfair, because I get the feeling things are going to change and she won't have her whole heart into me and we'll end up breaking up over something a lot much smaller, but it will hurt so much more. J) I can't even trust her fully because of the year 2000, when we ignored each other. I tried so hard to ignore her, but her personality shined above me and made me feel so uncomfortable. What could I do, though? Most of my friends were Chrissy's friends too, so I had no one to turn to. K) Most of my plans fall through. Like: I woke up 30 minutes late, because my computer alarm didn't go off because the program failed. I decided to go to the movies anyways, but when I got my bike to the end of New Point Peter, they were doing fucking construction on the bridge, and I couldn't even get throgh on a bike. L) Chrissy seems so sorry to have changed on me, and she thinks she's not who I want her to be. She's exactly who I want her to be, herself. I don't know if our personalities are right to go out with each other. I want her to be herself, I'm not changing from that. Ever. That's more important than any relationship can be. M) I get the hopeless feeling that no matter what happens, no one will be on my side, just because people understand her more. N) It's a fucked up world when so many people see you in so many different ways. O) I can't help but get the feeling I'm getting my mind fucked with.. I don't know. All this doens't even matter, though. I'm not going to give up, she can break up with me when she wants to. I told her to do it so it'll make her feel better, but she didn't seem to want to. Seriously, does anyone even care? Tell me. Seriously, tell me if you care. E-mail me. I don't want to hear from any family members who read this either, because it's fucked up if you're reading this in the first place. If you care, you can honestly tell me. If not, don't say a fucking thing. I'm hoping Chrissy can come over tomorrow morning, so we can talk. Don't any of you fuckers say "oh that was fast", because you have no clue how far her and I have worked just to get this far. Am I pissed? Yes. You can hate me if you want, I just don't feel like taking anyone's shit where they think they're better than me, or too good for me. If you don't like how I'm feeling, that's fine, but If you think you're better than me, or that I'm doing something wrong for feeling the way I do, then that's your fault. Tim There are only 3 people I want to talk to right now, Leona, Shawn, or Chrissy. I need to talk to Chrissy, though. So either 3 of you, call me. You can find my number.. just ask for someone who might have it. 11:31 a.m. - 2002-06-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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