cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The significance of this diary, why I've cut ties with some people.. Hello again. I'm back in a good habit of writing, it seems. Anyways, I've got something brewing inside of me, so I think this is going to be one of those long entries that I spend atleast half an hour of continuous typing and thinking on. Just like old days. We'll see. I've got a wide array of subjects to touch. There are 5 people I'm not in talking with because of my decision. There are a lot more who I am talking with, because they've shown concern with me and actually seem to care. I know it sounds like I'm just being a dick, but I'm not. I'm just making it so I don't get hurt. I'd rather feel the feeling of missing someone I like than the feeling of being fucked over by someone I like. Let me go into the general situations. Two of the situations include people telling me they're going to give me a chance, and not giving it after multiple opportunities. Then when I ask why, they either deny it or tell me they never said they'd give me a chance. Bullshit. Then there are two I just can't speak to for my own reasons. I'm wanting more, and I don't want to argue with them. I just wanted one chance with these people, and honestly still do. The one last person is someone who claims to have given me a "chance" and technically they did, but they weren't very open to the relationship. They weren't talking with me, and wouldn't even hold my hand. That's the worst type of relationship. I don't know why, but I wanted to, and still do want to get a fair chance. The person doesn't seem to care about how I feel until I'm mad at them. I don't know why some people are like that, I know a few. They're basically not good situations. What can I say? I've been in a lot of relationships, and I like a lot of people. People know when I'm with them, though, that I'm completely faithful. I know the types of relationships and how they play out. The initals of the 5 people are S. D. K. C. and L. I do feel sometimes I'm doing the wrong thing by not talking to them. I feel I'm stooping to their own level of ignorance. That's not why I do it though, the feeling I get when I do talk to them far exceeds the feeling I get when I don't. I feel used up. *insert Injected's "Used Up"*. I know what I"m doing is for the better, but I miss these people. A couple of them have had good intentions and it just didn't work out. I miss those people the most, but I also miss the others because all 5 of the people have been a support to me over the years, but three of them have just grown away from me. I guess that explains my situation, and I just felt the need to explain everything. If I feel I can work without getting down, I will definetely contact these people. All of them I've already tried multiple times with, though. They're also willing to contact me, and I hope they do if they feel that they can help me come to some sort of agreement with them. The point I'm trying to make is I'm not trying to be cruel and insensitive, but I'm trying to protect myself. Anyways, moving on. Leo is sexy! Heheh. I bet she doesn't even read this. I need to shave, and I need to get a high E string for my guitar.. better yet.. a whole new set would rock. I need sets for all 3 of my guitars. Man, dude, sometimes I wish I could just sit around and play guitar all day, but I've already got bill collecters down my throat about hospital bills. I need a job to pay those bills off, then I need to work to make my mother happy. I know most of what she says makes complete sense, but sometimes I don't think she knows how work effects MY mind. I know depression can bring people to the levels of not being able to get themeselves mentally prepared to do work. I think that's where I am. I think it's something I will overcome, though. I have to. I owe so much to everyone who has had an influence on myself. I realize that I've focused a lot on other people's downfalls, but I haven't focused on my own a lot. I acknowledge them, but I always try to change the subject away from them. I've been learning to fix that problem, and I'm doing good at it. I love to do these entries where I actually come to the realization that I'm changing for the better. I tell people many times about how my first entry, back on October 18th, 1999 talks about how Staind is the best band in the world. I can see my musical growth throughout this diary. Staind is shit. I can see all the relationships and I can see the lessons learned from them. I can even see my religious growth, realization, downfalls, and recoveries. I actually think this diary is a gift given to me by someone who wants me to make a positive influence on someone elses life, or atleast make mine better so I can make a better image and impact on others indirectly. I searched for diaries in 1999 to talk about my stresses in my relationship with Chrissy. I remember the word "vivarin" boldly, even to a scary extent. I've seen drug influences, and I've come to the realizations over the years that it's not for me. I don't control who it's for, but I know it's not for me. I'm not talking about vivarin or caffeine in that sense either, it just got my mind on that track. This diary reminds me of my life more than I could remember before. I only remember vivid things of incidents before this diary. I remember small things, vivid things, and I realize new things all the time with this diary. A diary is more than just a great place to vent, it's a great place to mark personal growths, and acknowledge them. I haven't read some of my entries from November of 1999 for a really long time. Too painful. I'll skim over words in them, though. That's enough to help me grow. Maybe in the future I will read through them. Maybe i'll be brought back into that world, but in a new light. I wish I had this diary all the way back to 96 & 97. I really could have a better life now. My life is good, don't get me wrong.. but every day I didn't have with this diary after 1996 was a wasted growth experience. I love this diary, I may talk about deleting it to get rid of my past life.. I told Leo I was going to do that this morning, but that just gets me thinking. This diary is a part of me. This is just as much a part of me as my Epiphone Les Paul Classic Gold Top, or even Chalupa. This must be pretty boring to read. But I'm so blind, yeah.. I'll do it again I feel your eyes sink in, so faithless as you've been... *Jade kicks in the background*! Injected rocks. Too bad I was on a break from writing when I became a Marvelous 3 whore, in sequence teaching me about Injected in November of 2000. They've grown a lot too. I think all life is is about love and growth. I'm going to grow and I'm going to love, and I'm going to learn how to make others want to feel love for others too. That's what my thoughts have led to, when I said I was going to make a positive difference in that entry I wrote a week or two or something ago. I love this diary, I love this world. 4:45 a.m. - 2002-05-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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