cuke15's Diaryland Diary

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A note to Lisa, why things are the way they are.

Hello world.

A while ago, on September 4th, 2001. (that was a week before September 11th). I wrote a very somber note out of missing a friendship. It was never delivered, and I don't plan on it's delivery. I'm including it here so people can get a look at my thought process; my bad sides, my good sides, and everything else. I just feel the urge to write this in my diary, and think it's worthy because it's an intimate look at some of what I feel, and I'll explain to you how this part of my life helped me grow. I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do, tell me you read this. This was written to my ex, Lisa Gamble. My relationship with her was well documented in this diary. Look for it if you're interested. A lot of people call me thoughtless, and fearless.. if I was fearless I would have the balls to send this letter. I don't know. Here goes. (I guess this is a testament of my shyness).


9/4/2001 7:43 AM

Lisa,
Hi. I don't expect you to read this + you'll never hear from me again after this if you don't want to. I just had some confessions and some apologies I've wanted to make to you but I never could because you were mad at me. So here goes...

We'll start from the beginning...
Confession #1/Apology #1
When we were going out I played a song for you and claimed it was mine. It wasn't. I wanted you to like me and I just realized I don't have that many good qualities, so I fucked it up by lying. I apologize for lying to you & I now regret doing it. The song was "Cailin'" by Unwritten Law.

Confession #2
I did love you. I wanted us to work. I still sometimes do. Most of 10th grade was hell knowing you don't like me.

Apology #2
I'm sorry that while we were together all I did was pressure you. I didn't want it to be like that, but I couldn't control myself. You are so pretty & so cute & to me you were my little girl, just like the song. I CAN NOT apologize enough times for pressuring you. But please realized I wanted a lot more than just sex from you, as poorly as I showed it.

Confession #3

I miss your friendship. I miss us. I know none of this shit will ever happen again. So I at least have to thank you for the Valentine's Day on which we met and for the great friendship we had until I fucked it up. (which I don't admit to doing on too many circumstances.)

If you read this far, thank you.

Timothy S. Mason


I know it sounds lame, but I just don't feel right with how I acted, even though my intentions were right. I think it was the final step I needed to learn in this relationship buisness. I needed to learn to display my inside emotions on the outside. I did. Learning to do that has had consequences. Everyone knows when I'm pissed with them, and sometimes they don't like it. I don't really care, though. Things will work out eventually if I feel I'm wrong and apologize and change, or if they feel they apologize and show the will to change, or are willing to change to make a sacrifice. I know that sounds selfish, but it would be even more selfish of me to lead them on. I sacrifice anything I can, as long as I'm not being abused, or treated without respect. That's all I have to say. Hopefully all I've said has taught you something about me. I'd like to know what. Remember, if you've read this to tell me.

Tim

7:07 a.m. - 2002-05-08

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