cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God, My Proof, Love, Good People A while ago I had prayed to God to show me some of my sins I haven't realized and to show me some of my problems. I wasn't sure if he'd show me them or not. I felt alone and I thought I was doomed to never know the truth. Today I spent a lot of time just thinking. I got lonely, so I started calling people at about 8:30 PM. I couldn't get a hold of anyone, so I finally looked up Mrs. Angel's, my Sunday School teacher, phone number (that's how lonely I was). It was a little after 9 when I had called. Chasnea (her daughter) answered the phone. I asked for Mrs. Angel (I pronounce it Miss Angel, though, I don't know why), and she asked who it was and I told her it was Tim. She told me to hold on. Her friend had picked up the phone and was like "HEY TIM! IT'S [her name]. I haven't heard from you in forever." I forgot who it was, but the voice sounded familiar. I said "Hey. How are you?". She replied "I'm good, how about you?". I said "I'm ok". She then handed the phone to Mrs. Angel. Mrs. Angel said "Hello". I responded "Hi Miss Angel". She said "Hi". I said "Do you know who this is?", and she responded "Yes, Tim. We haven't heard from you in a long time." I then went on to explain to her I was lonely, and I was down. I told her about my dad, just the grim details. I told her about how my dad yelled at my mom because she got a new car. She said "Why does that matter, though?". She says because they're not married, it doesn't matter. I agree. I'm still upset that he yelled at me because I didn't tell him she got a new car when I thought he already knew. I told her I was really down. She could hear it in my voice, I'm sure. She told me that she was here for me and that even when it seems like everyone is gone, I can pray and the Lord will still be there for me. I mean, I've never been 100% sure about this except for a short period in my life (when I got saved and baptised). My faith withered away. She told me to make sure Billy goes to church this weekend. I told her I would like to participate more in the activities for church. I just feel so much better when I'm with the youth group because I feel I'm doing something right and I'm not wasting my life. I mean, I get really tired of being around the people, but it raises my selfesteem. If I learned to be openminded more and actually took my guard down, I could really like it. No bickering, people caring about each other. I told her that I think that my dad and I are too much alike and that's why we get into so many arguments. She said she knows people like that. She said that it's usually the father who has the problem changing though, because they're used to the same view point. (!!! SOMEONE ACTUALLY STICKS UP FOR THE KID !!!) See what honesty can get you. I'm not saying I'm always right, but obviously I'm not always wrong like my father tends to believe when I disagree with him. She said it was nice to hear from me then she asked if I would care to talk to Mr. Jerry (her husband). I said "sure". Mrs. Angel and I talked for about 30-45 minutes, estimated. She said I can call anytime I need to talk. Mr. Jerry and I only talked for about 5 minutes. He said that they pray about me and they miss me. I believe them. He says he's looking forward to seeing me. He said just to keep praying, because the Lord will always pull through for you in the long run, and he's the only one you can trust 100%. I can tell alot of stuff by people's voices. I believe in what he's saying, even if I can't trust him 100%. He says no matter how lonely I get, the Lord will always be there for me (restating what Mrs. Angel had said). He said no matter how grim it is, that the Lord is always there. That alone is good enough to be happy. After saying the goodbyes, I sat and thought for a while. That's when it hit me. God is talking to me. THE LORD is talking to ME, THROUGH ME. I confronted my own problems by talking with someone I trust. I realized my problems about my father and I actually stated them. The Lord told me my problems. SO COOL. He let me tell Mrs. Angel them and he didn't even let me realize at the time he was telling me my problems and the things I need to fix. He obviously wanted Mrs. Angel to know, or else he wouldn't have given me the urge to call her and talk. She's going to help me in the future with this, I can tell. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would search my soul for sins and problems that need to be confronted. I need to stop wishing bad upon my father, and I need to fix my own insecurities, then try to patch up the relationship. I'm going to start working on it tonight, and I'm going to pray and meditate. I want to get this one right. This has nothing to do with my parents divorce, like all the therapists have said. This is about my dad and I just not getting along. I mean, sure I could blame all his faults for the relationship gone bad OR I could try to fix my own faults and try to get the relationship to start working on that alone and leave him to fix his faults. The latter being the better choice. God talked to me! For the first time I've ever really witnessed it. God talked to me. I mean, I've felt him persuade me to do things, but that could be waved off as conscience or the will to do what society thinks is right. GOD TALKED TO ME, though. He talked to me! I'm going to work on my problems. He wouldn't have brought it to my attention if he didn't think I shouldn't work on it. My prayer was answered. The Holy Spirit had searched my soul and showed me what God wanted me to change. Christianity can be summed up in one word. The most important word in the world- love. I can't know for sure if Mrs. Angel, Chasnea, her friend, or Mr. Jerry are Christians. I have the strongest feeling they are, though, for the following reasons: They kept a positive attitude. Their only concern was to help me. Plus, they didn't get mad that I called so late. I mean, people say that most of the Christian population is hypocrits and liars. Maybe so, but that doesn't mean Christianity is wrong, or the people who believe in Christ are. Everyone's a hypocrit of their own religion sometimes, unless your religion isn't structured. I mean, this just proves that us humans are able to be harmed by the devil's pull. The only way we can overcome it is with God. I can't make anyone a believer, they got to do that for themselves. If they don't want to change, they don't have to. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. If they weren't, why would God even have gave Eve the chance to pick the fruit? Now that I know God is real, it's time for me to start making the right choices that God has given me the opportunity to make for myself with his guidance. I was so curious as to what it would be like when God would talk to me, and now I finally know. I can't prove it, but inside I have all the proof I need. God Bless All, Tim Mason 10:34 p.m. - 2001-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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