cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an entry about amanda that really ended up about Shawn and Chrissy in the end I haven't been doing too well lately. This whole thing concerning Amanda has killed me.. hence the previous entry's lyrics. All I want to do is be like.. fuck.. why? Why do things have to be this way. I feel so far away from right because of it. I feel like I'm empty. I'm just trying to be the friend here, the one who is there to give space.. the one who is not a hinder. The one who understands that it's not all about me. But still, it's hurting. Having to listen to the same song over and over again. Fuck it rings so true. It's the first best friend I've had in a long long time and now it's like fuck, what happened. I think I would be happy being friends, best friends, if all the hostility was just thrown aside. But how realistic is that? I've written about a dozen pages about what I feel, about why I feel it, about who she is, about who I am, about what feels like home, about how this feels so far away. I want to send them to her every night, but I don't think it's a good idea. It's probably the best thing I've ever written, at least in my opinion. But I think I know it's the end. I can only do so much, and if it's not good enough, it's time to accept it's the end and write diary entries about how I feel for as long as it takes to be good again. I am seriously broken. I know I'll be fixed, but I haven't been this broken in a long long time. I'm not okay right now and the only thing that would make me alright is her telling me it'll be alright. But she's dropped all responsibility for me, so I have to find the pieces and glue them together and do it by myself. I'm just so confused and don't know how I couldn't have seen this coming. Why I let it happen to me. I'm strong and I don't do this stuff anymore. At least I feel alive. Just not complete. Does that make sense? Probably not. Or Probably. Who the fuck knows. I certainly don't. I keep trying to tell myself that I can't live like this, but I can and have. I'm strong. I'm just vulnerable right now. I just wish there was a way to make someone feel what you feel, and to want what you want. There's a fire, and it's pretty hot. I mean she was like my BEST FRIEND and now it's like she doesn't care. I think sometimes she's very unfair with me. When things get better, and I pick up these pieces, I'll be able to stand up for myself. I'll be able to be my good self and not have to be here just to build someone else up. I'll be able to be happy and not have to be the target of someone's own pain, taking it out on me. I'm a good person, and you can kick me down and make yourself feel better and degrade your view of me all you want. But I'm still a good deserving person. I'm not talking about Amanda right now. Just in general. I think Amanda does a bit of that, but I think hers is to make her feel more sane, and not to make her feel better than me. It's still hurtful, but it's not intentional on her part, I don't believe. This is the type of stuff I've been writing all week, just more raw. So what's probably going to end up happening is I'm not going to talk. I'll let her come to me (not likely) and talk to me. I just don't like that outcome because I like her and I know that I deserve her, and I know I'm good for her and that it's going to be a loss for her. But my brain says that's just how it goes. She can be how she wants, that's her choice. Even as close as we've ever been, I couldn't change or influence her, so I probably never could. Especially at a moment like this. I could tell her it's not in her interest, but she has her responses. And that's fine. I'll be fine, I'll pick my pieces up, and defend myself, and think straight again, and be either happy alone or happy with someone. Preferably the first. I haven't been like that except for in 2002/2003, and that was the best period in my life. And everyone wanted to go back out with me or be with me, and I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep, play guitar, laugh, and talk. Tim 3:34 p.m. - 2007-05-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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