cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bleh. Wow, it's been a long long time since I've wrote in this thing. I should be writing in it more, though. I got off work early today as I've been approaching nearly 50 hours. Fun Fun Fun. I decided to go see Laura and then come here until Laura got off. I should mention that here is the library. On the way driving around I decided how much I hate this town. It's the only city I've lived in where I absolutely hate it. It's like all the fuss of Atlanta without any of the benefits. I know it sounds like I'm being cynical, but the traffic here is pretty bad during the midday, plus this heat is just bringing me down. On top of that it just seems that no one here is happy and that everyone is stuck in the same rut. It's like they've accepted that it doesn't get better. I look back on the time I spent with Laura in Atlanta, and my life actually seemed kind of exciting. But I'm glad we did this if it's what Laura had wanted. Anyway, today when I was at Lowe's and Laura was checking out some customers, I decided I'd walk around and I had seen a book on building a house. That sounded exciting. How cool would that be? Plus you'd have to save lots of money on labor. I kind of wanted to build a floor plan right then and there, with Laura's help. I've put in for a few other jobs, so I can have a second job so we can get out of there faster. Her parents are so crazy, it's not even funny. They're hypocritical and are so concerned with themselves that they don't even realize they put us into an impossible situation. They're pretty much assholes, but oh well. It was a lot easier to ignore them when I was working overnights, but I had to forfeit my time with McKenzie for sleep. But now, I don't want to go home because I have to listen to her dad yell, or see her mom basically give McKenzie anything if she cries for it. I worry for McKenzie when she's around Laura's mom. Apparently I have no right to change the situation either, as we're living in their house. I wish there was some way out of it so bad. As for Laura's dad, he's the one who is so out to prove a point that he contradicts himself on a nearly daily basis. He wants Laura to be exactly like him, as well as everyone else to be exactly like him. He's so judgemental that he begins making judgements based on assumptions, and then when it's pointed out that he's wrong, he must feel challenged because he starts to make another judgement or somehow try to justify what he's saying. It's like he feels he has to prove something, or has to be a certain way. I say lead by example, don't lead by telling us what to do when you don't do it yourself. I think he should be praising us when we do the things he asks us to do, not questioning us and just basically painting some neverending picture that we're wrong and he's right. I keep thinking: "nothing we do will ever be good enough for him". And it's true. So all we can do is save up some money, get things fixed, and get out of there. I think it's unfair that he holds it over us that it's such a burden for us to be there, when they did all but force us to be there. Laura would cry some nights because I would want to stay, and he would threaten to take custody of McKenzie if we didn't end up moving there. It's just hurtful I suppose. Everything feels so hopeless nowaday. Oh well, not much we can do I suppose. It gets so bad sometimes I consider a divorce, but then I realize that I wouldn't have the financial means to do that factoring in child support. I would be more than happy to give as much as I could, but if it's not enough then I'm screwed. I love Laura and want to be with her, but there's honestly only so much I can take that I just don't know what to do anymore. I didn't mean for this to be a bitch entry but I guess I accomplished that. Tim 3:51 p.m. - 2006-08-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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