cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Happy One Month Birthday McKenzie. McKenzie is killing Laura and I. Me especially. Her colic is making me want to hurt her sometimes. I'm glad that I have enough common sense to walk away, but I can't help but think I can only take so much. Laura's parents have graciously offered to take her until she's not so colicky. I just feel like I'm quitting if we do that though. I've changed myself so much over the past few years. I'm trying to not quit at anything in my life. I used to quit when anything got uncomfortable, but I've been trying to see the long term. With this, though, I'm torn. I don't want to give her up, but she may not even have a long term if I keep getting this frustrated. I'm also worried about Laura hurting her. I'm worried alot about what my parents will think and also what McKenzie will think later when I tell her she lived with her grandparents because mommy and daddy weren't mature enough to handle her. But I don't know, maybe the most mature thing I can do right now with my level of maturity is just let her go. She'd be in safe hands, I just have so much fear. It sounds like I hate her, but I do love her with all my heart. I just get frustrated. I don't know how I'll act if I can't see her and hold her all the time, but it can't be much worse than right now. It can be, but atleast McKenzie won't be in danger. We're probably going to let her mom and dad take her on Thursday. I'm sure I can reserve myself until then. I don't know. I don't want to give up, but that's exactly what I'm going to do. Either way I'm going to feel shitty with my decision. I think the best thing for McKenzie is to go with Laura's parents for now, though. Her dad is dying to spend time with her, too. I swear one day I'm going to pay them for all they've done to help Laura and I. I should go now. I feel like I'm just going to piss people off wiht this entry, but I don't care. I just want my daughter to be safe. 1:10 a.m. - 2004-06-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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