cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- father, Shawn, game Hey ya'll Sorry for the lack of updates (that's becoming a common line in my diary). But anyways, Shawn's here! He got in Tuesday night. He's been fun to hang around with. We went to Underground when he first got here then we went home. Yesterday we went to the Braves game. It was fun.. we left in the 6th just as the Braves had scored to make it 3-2. The Braves won! That makes it a tie series. Anyway, life's been good lately. Scary and stressful, but good. I don't know. I'm worried about this whole job corps thing. I wish I could atleast have toured the Pine Knot faciitly. I just want to fit in more than anything. I just want to know I feel safe and all that. I want to fit in and I want to be able to get through it without feeling I'm in a prison, you know? On top of that, my dad emailed me and finally gave me his response, which wasn't worth waiting for. Of course he gives me another one of his responses that he gives me every time ever since I'm 13 because he's afraid to admit that I'm grown up and I don't need to depend on him anymore. I'm my own man now. I don't know. There's no way of beating it. Now I know it will be hard to raise a baby and stuff, but honestly we can do it and we can do it comfortably financially once I get out of Job Corps. It's almost like he spends his life comparing me to him. Like he thinks my marriage will end up in flames like his had. I don't understand, really. I mean, I've thouroughly thought this through and I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think it was the best thing. This is the best thing for the baby, Laura, and I. I may not be the most mature person in the world, but when it comes to having a family I honestly believe I am mature enough. I'm not saying that I know what exactly I'm getting into or exactly what I have to deal with, no way am I saying that. I'm saying I'm mature enough right now and I'm going to be financially capable with Laura to raise this child and to be married. Laura and I make a good team. I've spent more time together with her than I have with any of my girlfriends before. I've basically lived with her for the past three months. I mean, the thing is I've learned from my father's mistakes from watching him. I know how to deal with those and, honestly, maybe I'm basing myself on his mistakes too, because I try so hard not to make the same ones. I guess I'm just bitter, I don't want to terminate this baby. It's not happening. Julie had told me something when I first had told her about the pregnancy, she told me why should we terminate this child when people who have been in worse situations have gone through with it and have raised the child to be a good person. I mean, it's not as bad as it seems. Sure, it's unexpected. Sure, it's when I'm 20 and she's 24. That doesn't mean it's impossible or not wise, though. A baby is a blessing from God. That's my belief as a Christian, and I don't think I have the right to take that away from the world. I don't know. I know now that you can't make everyone believe you, but you can stay true to yourself. I guess that's what life's all about. Life is hard, right? But atleast I'm living mine. Yeah, that was a personal shot at my father. I don't know. It just upsets me that he always is trying to hold me down. He'll think it's paranoia or whatever because I said that, but it's not. It's being held down. He's supposed to be OPTIMISTIC and supposed to teach me things when I don't know them, but that hasn't happened since I was like 10. I owe all the teaching and all the optimism to my mom. She's the one who tells me everything is alright and that things will work out. I mean, my mom says that when it's true, but my dad never says that. He's always got to be negative and I hate that. With my mom she always tries to make the best out of the situation while helping me with it. She doesn't dwell on a bad situation. Tim 3:16 p.m. - 2003-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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