cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- argument with Julie/heaven I've engourged myself today. I had 3 fish-filet sandwhiches and some french fries from McDonalds, and earlier I had a Great Start Sausage & French Toast Meal, and also earlier I had an Italian Chicken Sandwhich from Zaxby's. That's more than I usually eat in 3 days. I went to Lowe's with Jeremy too. We got mom a late birthday present. When we used to live in Crooked River, she had this little Christmas tree she planted in the front yard, and everytime she goes to St. Marys she'd go to Crooked River and comment on how pretty it still looks. So Jer got her another one, so she can plant at her place in Jacksonville. This one song on this socialburn cd reminds me of one of my ex-girlfriends I was only with for 3-days. I think there are only two of those. I broke up with both of them. So anyways, Julie and I got in an argument last night. It hurt my heart, but I think after everything that we both know how each of us react to different behaviors. We're both very defensive, but I think we've finally worked to a way where we can both grow forward without getting in arguments like this again. I love her, and I know she loves me. We will do anything we can to treat each other right. It really scared me and hurt me when we were arguing last night. I cannot believe that her and I weren't meant to be together. Oh well. Hanging out with her in Douglasville wasn't as weird as it was when I first met her. In fact, it was very fun. I'm very appreciative of all the things we did. Even if we hadn't done anything, just being with her would have been enough. Yesterday I was really having a spiritual suffering. The world just seemed to be falling apart and I knew I was losing faith. Arguing with Julie eventually helped me. As sick as that sounds, I've had a strong day spiritually. I hope it keeps going strong to. Hopefully to as strong as last week. Maybe I just need Julie to come spend the night and wake up screaming. Haha. As sick as this sounds, I'm really grateful for that happening. It's almost sick to say that everytime something upsets Julie, it makes me realize that God is here for me. So I need to just do a good job forever and ever and then I won't feel so far from God, and I can always feel safe. Julie and I will never fight either. Julie and I are doing really well today... there's a bit of unsteadiness in the wake of what happened last night, but I think her and I will work through the shakiness. It's just one of those arguments that shocks you, upsets you, and makes you want to do better. It makes you really bitter too, but once you're into it awhile, you put aside your bitterness to realize that you were pretty wrong in the situation too. I guess I'm just writing about this because I'm worried about losing her. I can't help but analyze what's going on. Usually when you see people write "I'm worried about losing her", then usually it ends up happening to them really soon. I don't think it'll happen. I see things going in the right direction. Oh well. I can't really say much more. It's one of those things that you can only say so much about. I love you Julie :o). We'll be OK. SEE KELSEA! I'M NOT RACIST. MY SMILEY FACES HAVE NOSES TOO! MWHAHHA. My dad is supposed to bring me out to dinner tomorrow. I look forward to it. I like hanging out with my father in moderation. I actually really enjoy it. I think I'm good in moderation with most people. I think I have a designated amount of time I spend with each person that makes me actually enjoy that person's company, but you can't cross it. I think the same applies for myself, too. The only people it doesn't really apply to are Julie, Michelle, and God. Julie is just an amazingly fun person to be with and she makes me think and she makes me smile and there's nothing ugly about her. Michelle is a good person to talk to and she seems to have a really loving spirit about her. God, well, I don't have a choice but to spend time with him. I'm actually enjoying my time just talking to him, though. I'm more of a listener than anything. That's probably why I like reading the Bible more than I like praying. My picture of heaven would be sitting in the room with God and just shootin' the breeze with him. I bet God's a pretty laid back type of guy. Most loving people are. I bet he'd just love to listen. He loves it now, I bet he'd love to just listen to you in heaven. Imagine God, you could tell him anything and he'd know just how to respond. You could tell him stuff that you find beautiful that everyone else doesn't understand, and he'd sit there listening and he'd smile afterwards. God is love, that's all he is. I don't know. I don't know how God is going to be. I just know that's how I'd like it. I know there isn't a bodily form in heaven, but I'm just saying that's how I Feel it would feel like. It's hard to explain. I'll shut up. Oh well. I'm going to go. This has been a pretty lame entry. But oh well. Tim 10:21 p.m. - 2003-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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