cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus = self-worth. Hello. I just came to a starttling realization. See, I've had a problem with self-pride. Yes, I still do. When relationships and friendships go wrong, for whatever reasons, I've always felt like there is something wrong with me. But it's not so. I just have high standards, and I'll always help people, but I demand respect from each other. That's the good side about me, the bad side is when I don't get the respect and stuff falls apart, I start feeling like there's a flaw with me, when there's not. I mean, as long as I'm always there for those people when they call on me, there is no flaw on me when those relationships and friendships don't work out. So, now onto the issue of self-pride which made me so insecure about all these friendships. I was lying down just now, thinking. I had read before that self-pride comes from knowing that Jesus loves you. So I sat there and thought in my life of the times that people showed me their love... the times where I could feel it and I enjoyed it. Then I sat and thought, and I thought about the fact that as many things that I do wrong, and as many of the things that DO fall apart because of my faults (most of them don't), and of all the flaws I honestly do have... that Jesus STILL loves me more than all those people, even my mom. He knows a lot more than any of those people and still loves me more! STILL LOVES ME MORE! That's where self-pride comes from. If I'm still loved, and I can feel the love when I'm looking in the right direction, then I know I'm worth something, and that there is a ton of hope right there. I think this is a thing Julie seems to be going through right now, too. She knows Jesus personally, and I'm sure when she thinks about the fact that he does love her more than any person on this earth possibly could. I'm sure when she's reading this, and thinking of that... she will feel worth something. So, even with the broken state of affairs and my high expectations, I know I'm still worth something. I know my faults, as many more as I can rack on, doesn't change the amount of love Jesus has for me. It's like Billy's dad had said. To call Jesus a hero would be an insult, he was more than that. When he died for the broken people, like me and like all the other people who have massive emotional problems. When he died for those people, that was more than being a hero. That was pure love. When Jesus died on the cross, he didn't just die so our sins could be forgiven. He also died out of his enormous love for you. You are worthless without him. When he uses you, that's when you gain worth. That's how you realize what your self-worth is. And that's how you finally can see people eye-to-eye and not feel under them, no matter what they say or what attitude they give. You know you can just walk off, and turn your cheek... and come back when they call your name or need your help. So I wrote on my wall.. for a reminder, 'Jesus loves me, Yes he does, more than anyone I've ever met.' right above where I had wrote 'I love Julie'. Julie, I want you to write that too, the first part. We are worth something, no matter what goes on around us, we are still worth something. Because Jesus loves us. We are the worst people on this earth sometimes, Julie, but we are still worth so much! Think about that. Sorry If I made an example of ya. I love you, 1:27 a.m. - 2003-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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