cuke15's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've grown I was looking through some of my older entries earlier. Man, I was fucking childish in some of those entries. There's one where I'm trying to justify myself for beating the hell out of Jeremy. See, it doesn't matter if I was right in the reason we were fighting, it shouldn't have become physical to begin with. I don't know. It disappoints me to look back on them, but looking at myself now I can see an actual personal growth there. I'm a fucking pacifist now. It's amazing how much I think I've changed. Now, I still have problems to work out, but I can see how I've grown into myself. "You can't call it cheatin' coz she reminds me of you" But yeah, I'm almost disgusted with myself. I was using Jesus and God as a way to justify the things I did... like "I prayed for Jesus to give me an outlet... and I decided to beat my brother's ass." See, that's not right. Of course, talking to Jesus was right, but I should have waited for his answer instead of making my own. I think my heart has been in the right place, but my mind wasn't. I'm not trying to make myself look like a model human being, because trust me, I've got a lot of work to do. I'm just noting today that by looking back on my diary I have realized that I went through an amazing metamorphisis. It seems to have happened within the last year, too. And you know what? Maybe I have my brother to thank for it. Maybe we both realized after he moved that we have a lot to share with each other, and that fighting only fucked it up. I think he was further along on his journey, but when he moved out, it helped push me to his level of realization. I mean, sure if we're togehter we may get annoyed at certain things, but I think now we know not to fight about it. I don't know. I feel almost proud about this. So maybe this is what everyone means by I've grown into myself, that I've finally grown up. I need to start setting some goals. I'll do that later. My goal is to set a goal. Boy, isn't that an oxymoron. Tim 12:31 p.m. - 2003-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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